I had my final of four (5 1/2 total) treatments on Nov. 30 - the day after Thanksgiving break. I took the entire day off (I had not been doing that) and I brought the girls with me - they had never been plus they had their well checks that afternoon. I didn't sleep well the night before, I tossed and turned, apparently a little nervous. I was not as exuberant as one would think. The next morning Arthur left for work and would then meet us there later. The girls and I got in the car to leave, late as usual, and my car would not start. Thanks to my cousins Ken and Michelle, we were able to get a ride downtown to ye ole' MD Anderson Cancer Center. I arrived in time to get my port accessed (easiest time yet despite my nervousness) and my labs drawn. Then it was off to see Dr. Shaw - my oncologist. She comes in gives me her usual hug, says "everything looks great, here's your prescription for Tamoxifin, here's your prescription to have your port removed, and I'll see you in 6 months!" Now, I was expecting this to some extent because her PA told me three weeks ago that this is how it would go, but still.... a little shocking. No scans?? No MRIs?? No ultrasounds?? " Nope," she says, "the cancer is gone. It has been gone, this was a systemic prophylactic to be safe! You are fine!!" Crazy, huh?? I got a little teary - it felt similar to way you felt when you were told you could leave the hospital right after your first child is born - unsure and scary!! But I got another hug and was reassured I could call for anything, but that really, I was fine!!
On to my last chemotherapy session! Yippee, right!! Arthur, Chris and the girls were there. It went smoothly and quickly. When I was done, I was able to "ring the bell" - something, I gather, many chemo units do when a patient is done with treatment. I was also give a little certificate signed by all the nurses. i get to the car and I have a lovely framed picture drawn by Emma and a beautiful bouquet of flowers!
After all that hullabaloo, the girls, Arthur, Chris and I headed to lunch. We arrive at lunch and a bunch of my friends are there to greet me bearing various cards and little treats! It was so nice - a wonderful surprise! A great day all the way around!!
Now on to why I was so nervous, etc. The effects of the treatments, I was told, would be cumulative. And I really noticed that after my 3rd treatment. I have never thrown up (unbelievable, right??), but my tummy didn't feel right, my mouth sores were a little worse, things tasted weird, TMI warning - and diarrhea was absolutely terrible!!!!! Not to mention my eye brows had finally thinned out and I had three eye lashes left. This may be inappropriate, but except for my body fat I looked like a concentration camp survivor. So, I wasn't really looking forward to this last treatment. I was worried I would just feel so bad. And maybe it was about time, but still I wasn't happy about it.
But guess what, a chemotherapy miracle, I truly haven't felt that bad these last 3 weeks. Of course, that taste thing sucks, mouth sores aren't great, but no tummy issues except for the -TMI Warning - the diarrhea. But once I took the meds for that it stopped it right away!! I honestly think my doctor is the best doctor in the whole world!! She is amazing. When I think back to the few memories I have of my own mother being so sick and weak so much of the time during her treatments, I just feel so sad for her and I feel so lucky.
On to that topic. I know I should feel lucky, and I truly do feel lucky, but damn if I am not pissed that I got this in the first place!!!! It's like being in jail and having a private, nice clean cell but being wrongly convicted in the first place!! I am really mad about all this. I don't remember feeling really pissed off before, but I sure am now. I'm mad it happened to me and my family and friends - because it did happen to all of us!! I mad they don't have a cure for it. And many of you have heard me say this before and it may sound sexist, but I really believe that if men were losing testicles at the rate women are losing breasts (1 in 8 women!!!!) there would be a cure by now. I am sorry if I have offended any of you, but in my conspiracy-theory mind I can't help but think doctors, pharmaceutical companies, etc, etc are making a too much money to find a cure. That said, I do not see my self becoming a breast cancer activist. Anyway, I digress. As we all know, underneath my anger is really just sadness. I will have to deal with that. I think I have been so busy "fighting the fight" that I have forgotten to be sad. But it is there, and I will have to move through it. But at my own pace.
My baldness has effected me so much more than I thought it would. It really depresses me. I have thought of myself as someone who didn't care too much about how I looked as evidenced by the fact that I rarely spend much time fixing and adjusting how I look. I have tried to feel comfortable in my skin and with how I look. I think deep down I have cared more than I wanted to admit, but still, this is how I have tried to live my life since even before highschool. But...this being bald business has really rocked my world. And now with few eyebrows and eye lashes, I can barely look in the mirror. I have no desire to try to dress-up or look nice. I hate to have my picture taken. It is just a tough row to hoe, and I never thought it would be! Boy, what we don't know!!!! As of this moment though, my hair is beginning to get fuzzy. Arthur, affectionately, was singing "ch, ch, ch, chia" as he said my head is beginning to look like a Chia Pet. I know, hilarious!! I read hair is supposed to grow at the rate of 1/2 per month. Keep your fingers crossed. I am preparing myself for my hair to grow in thicker than it was, curlier than it was, and all gray, hence my moral dilemma of accepting myself for who I am and being totally gray at 44 or dye it?? We'll see what happens.
As for follow-up treatment plan, I will have my port taken out by my surgeon, Dr. Smith, on Dec. 27 in an office procedure. Ii will start the Tamoxifin (sp?) after the new year. I will take it for 5 years, and Dr. Shaw has warned me that the hot flashes can be brutal, but all in all it's not too bad. I will be taking this med because the type of cancer I had was "estrogen + and progesterone + " which means the presence of estrogen and progesterone effects cancer in a negative way (the cancer responds to it), so the less estrogen I have the better. But the draw backs are increased risk of ovarian cancer, especially after I turn 60. But that type of cancer is a very slow growing and an easily visible cancer so my yearly gyn appts will be even more important now. I will see Dr. Shaw every 6 months. I assume she will be doing lab/blood work at these appointments to check all kinds of things but especially liver function and white blood cell counts. I may have written this in the past, but if breast cancer comes back it will usually come back in the liver, lungs, bones, or brain. Don't worry, I am not too worried because everything looks really good and I really have a lot of faith in Dr. Shaw.
Finally, my reconstruction surgery with Dr. Lee will be right as soon as school is out. That will be an 8 hour surgery, followed by a 1 week hospital stay then a 6 week recovery so the summer made the most sense to do it. So by the fall, after my "extreme make-over (new boobs, flat belly, some hair) I will be feeling like a million bucks and will be excited to get back into my high heels and some decent, professional clothes for school!! I may blog a little then to keep people updated. We'll see.
Now, as to why I stopped blogging. First, everything was going so well, it just felt trite to keep writing the same thing "I'm fine, all is well." Secondly, I don't think I've been doing a lot of processing the last few weeks, so I didn't really need to do it for that reason. As I said, I think I have put off some of that processing - anger and sadness - until now. And finally, honestly (which is what I have tried to be at every step) I began to feel like for some of you hearing every detail was too much and was causing too much stress or sadness or anger. I could hear it in some of your responses and, again honestly, it was too much for me to deal with. I didn't and don't have the mental energy to make anyone feel better about me having cancer except for my beautiful girls. I was/am fighting the fight and I just couldn't be a support to anyone but me and the girls. These statements weren't intended to make anyone feel bad about their feelings or anything like that. I just had to honestly tell you all - my peeps - why I stopped writing for a while. I am so sorry to have worried some of you.
But all is well in the Foister home. I feel like, to some extent, I can close this chapter of my life. And I'm not too sad about that!
Thank you all for your wonderful support, words and thoughts and prayers of encouragement and love. It all helped me to get through this craziness. But i've made it to the other side now, so please know you are all so much appreciated!!
I love you!
Much peace and love,
monique
