Thursday

Thursday went very well. I was expanded - which means Dr. Lee's nurse, Hallie, injected a huge syringe full of saline in each "breast." If I haven't explained it before, I will now - the expanders I have in each "breast" are the large pancake shaped things (but thicker) made of something like plastic - but not. Anyway, each expander has an access point made of metal. To expand me, they use this little tool with a magnet on it to find where the access point is - once they find it, they press down and it makes a little x, so they insert the needle into the middle of the x. And, since there is no feeling in my breasts, it doesn't even hurt.

Hallie thinks I am about as full as I need to be based on the amount of tummy fat (aka flab) I have. I will see Dr. Lee the 1st week of Dec. Some of you may know I was wanting to do the reconstruction surgery during Thanksgiving break, then recover through the 1st weeks of Dec and winter break. But...I have come to terms with the fact that this is not to be. I'm not even done with chemo until Nov. 29, and I probably should give my body some time to heal and recover. So it looks like - if all goes well - I will have reconstruction surgery the 1st week of June, then have the summer to recover. This week Hallie will be looking for June dates for me. Originally I wanted everything done and over with in 2010, but the reality is that doctors, tests, keeping an eye out for cancer will all continue to be a part of my life for the next few years. I am beginning to accept that. I can actually sit here and think about it and type it and not be depressed about it - that's a good thing and that's progress!

After my appt. I waited around the hospital (ate dinner, read, etc ) for the breast cancer support group that night. It went fine. There were only 4 of us there plus the counselor who led the group, but it was good. I was able to verbalize the fact that - and I know this is sad - I don't like to look in the mirror, I don't even like to walk past one. It makes me sad. Being bald has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I feel like I look like a Holocaust survivor. That may be in poor taste to compare, but that's what I see when I look in the mirror. ( I know I should see GI Jane - but that is not where I am at about my hair yet!!) Not to mention that my head is not smooth and it does not have baby fuzz! It is prickly!! The final insult is that it all looks grey and silver. And thinking about it all coming back grey thrusts me into a dilemma of principles: do I let my hair take its natural course and embrace what life has presented to me ? OR do I color it as soon as possible since I'm only 43? This is just me thinking aloud - please don't feel like you have to weigh in on the matter. I still have quite a while anyway to ponder it.

So tonight is Sunday and I just got back from dinner with a group of my friends. We are all moms and have been going out to dinner together for about 10 years now! When we talk about going out, we call it Mom's Night Out (MNO). This group of wonderful women presented me with the most beautiful quilt. I'm going to try to add a photo here in a minute. It is simply beautiful!! Each woman designed, cut, pieced, and pressed a square. Each square has a specific meaning to us as a group and to me personally. The quilt was finished and quilted by one of the women's (Sarah) mom - who is an expert quilter. I can only attempt to express my gratitude, appreciation, and love to this amazing group of women - Sarah, Lindsey, Kristine, Dianne, Serie, Carolyn, Jeanette, Liz, Kyle, Chris, and Rhissa. THANK YOU. I am truly touched by this amazing gesture! And, by the way, I LOVE THE QUILT!!

Tomorrow is chemo # 3 and all should go well. Arthur will be coming with me and Chris may meet us there. I plan on going back to work afterward. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I should feel fine tomorrow and Tuesday, then it will be down hill from there until early next week. But I have all my meds set and ready to go, so I'll be fine!

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

Much love and peace to you all,

m