Anyway, Thursday went well - Rhissa met me at the Dr. Lee's office and for my Neulasta shot.
The shot went great!!!!!! I was able to rub some of the prescription cream (emula) on to the site where I was getting the shot, and what a miracle that was!! I had already teared up in anticipation (which made Rhissa none too happy =) ) and then next thing you know it was done!!
Then I head over to Dr. Lee and get the good news that my infection is getting better!! Yippee! No expansion, but I just need to finish the antibiotics and he'll expand me next Thursday. The expansion (s) aren't that incredibly important since the skin is well saved, but he just wants me to get to the size I want to be before surgery - which who knows when that'll be. I'm beginning to wrap my brain around it maybe being next summer. I met a parent at school who has had the same surgery I will have but it was performed by Lee's partner, Dr. Klein. She is very happy with it.
As for some of the chemo/Neulasta side effects this week - luckily, no "bone pain" so far!! I've taken a couple of advil (which I'm not supposed to be taking on a regular basis unless I'm in major pain or want to prevent it) here and there as preventative, but all in all it has been great! Keep your fingers crossed! But let me tell you, the nasty taste in my mouth is, well, I'm over it!! It's like the worst bad breath you ever had times 10! It's not metallic, it's just gross! So for the last 4 days, I've been trying to eat to get rid of the taste, which sucks, because I'm not really that hungry and very little is appealing to me and my tummy right now. I'm not nauseous, I am just really food sensitive right now - like when I was pregnant (which I AM NOT), I couldn't look at or think about certain foods. It's weird. As for my bald head, I'm not real happy about that either - it feels prickly and pokey, not soft and fuzzy like baby hair!! And, how's this for strange, the back of my head and neck get so hot at night, I actually sweat to the point where my pillow is damp!! I can't sleep on my belly (the "boobs" hurt), and my sides are only so-so comfortable. But on the up side, I think I have shaved my legs for the last time for a long while! It's been 5 days and still smooth as a baby's butt! And, in that same vein, I may have had my last period, ever. Maybe. I need to ask Dr. Shah, but I'm guessing since the cancer was estrogen positive that the chemo may be starting to put me into menopause already. I was thinking all that wouldn't happen until she put me on tamoxifin (sp?) after all the treatment, but who knows??
AS for my emotional/mental health right now - it could be better. Work has been a saving grace - really, my link to my sanity right now. The weekends are hard because I don't have much to distract me from my own mind. Then there is the wanting to do things but getting tired. Arthur had to go out of town this weekend and I can't believe what a hard time I have had being here alone with the girls, the house, the dogs, etc. I was a mess earlier tonight!! I'm used to being very independent, and I feel so the opposite of that right now. I used to love the chance to have a weekend with the girls and me alone, but now, everything is different. Let's hope I can get back to the old me when all of this is done! Does it really happen, the old me will come back?
Speaking of done, I guess that has been my biggest mental challenge (I know there is room for many comments here) this week, is already getting frustrated and wanting all this to be DONE!!!!! But, I know, I know, patience patience!
I have an echocardiogram scheduled for today to check my heart. This won't be a big deal, I just hope my heart is in good shape!! I will try to think positive while I try to fall asleep.
As you can tell from the last couple of entries, I'm pretty down. I know I shouldn't apologize to you out there for that, but I can't help myself - I am sorry you've only been reading negative lately. I am truly having a hard time rallying a positive attitude. I know a positive outlook will help me, etc, etc, But from there, I get sucked into this crazy cycle of "I need to be positive, I'm not positive, oh no I'm not going to get better because I don't have a positive attitude, I need to be positive, ..." Maybe I should join a group, huh?? Not sure why I haven't done it yet.
much love and peace,
m
So, here's the deal. You are allowed to feel however you want and we don't get to make you feel bad for blogging about it. Period. It is what it is and if posting 1000 negative "sounding" blog posts helps you get through all this crap--even a little--then I will keep reading and praying that tomorrow is somehow a little better than today.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Jackie