Final test, for now

Today I had my final test, at least for now. Dr. Shah ordered a CT of my pelvis, abdomen, and chest, again, to check if the cancer has metastasized to any of my organs, the chest wall, etc. I had to drink the barium contrast - pina colada flavored, no lie! - this morning. It was pretty gross, but having a straw to drink it helped, and honestly, it could have been so much worse. After yesterday, the anticipation for this test was causing me so much anxiety, that I got teary eyed when I got called back to the same room with the same machine! The nurses, again, were incredibly nice and even Lynda - from yesterday - came in to pat me on the back and explain to them what happened with the test yesterday. I had to have an IV again, and the material they pushed through my veins yesterday - iodine - would be the same as today, but mercifully, they only had to "push" it at a 1/4 of the speed! The heat and pee feeling were not near as intense, I had practiced my breathing all the way there, and no nausea! So I have discovered that a regular CT scan is a breeze compared to the CT/angio business!

Now, I have no surgery date yet. Yes, I am a little stressed about that, but it is what it is.

There is the obvious thought that every day the cancer stays in my body, it is continuing to spread all over my body. I think, I have not researched it but I will, this is not a rational thought. Yes, it certainly is an understandable thought, maybe not so grounded in fact. Breast cancer is urgent, but not an emergency.

There is also the thought that the sooner the surgery - this summer - the less time I will have to miss school. I don't want to miss school because #1 I love my job, #2 although I know the library will be fine without me, I still want to be the one to be there and get books in the kids' hands, #3 I don't have a ton of sick time saved up, so yes, I'm concerned about being out of work and not getting paid. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about my job in terms of not having one.

I am trying to keep focused on a few things - the doctors want me to get well, too, so they are not purposely screwing me so my cancer will spread. I have complete faith that if they were genuinely concerned about my condition getting that much worse, I would be squeezed into their schedule somewhere. It will not do any good to have some temper tantrum and scream and yell at the nurse, schedulers, doctors to hurry up and get this done. I'm guessing I'm not the only woman in Orlando who has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. I have faith - I have to - that my doctors are looking out for my best interest. Now obviously, I am little insecure about it, hence the reiteration of all this information.

But what I would please ask of all of you is that if you are concerned about my lack of a surgery date, (or when I get one, if it's later than you think it should be) please refrain from sharing your concerns with me. I know that sounds so controlling, irrational, hostile, or just plain rude. I certainly apologize for that. So far on this journey, so many people have expressed to me that I need to take care of myself. Well, one of the ways I can take care of myself with regards to this issue is to avoid doubt about my care. Please know I will appreciate your concern and will know it is coming from a place of love, but I don't have the mental energy right now (it took me 10 minutes just to pick out paper plates in the grocery store tonight!) to reassure all of you that I am in good hands.

I have my concerns about posting this, as I don't want anyone to think it is directed at them or I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think it's important for me to be as honest as I can during this experience.

Thank you to all of you for your prayers, good wishes and hopes, and, mostly, for your love. I truly feel it all, and it really does make a difference!

much love and peace