Restless Night

OK, I think maybe the fact that I have cancer is hitting me! All my upbeatedness (is that a word?) and humor must have been keeping some the of major feelings at bay, because right now I feel completely depressed and overwhelmed that I have cancer. So, to those of you that have been impressed by my outlook so far, I may be entering a phase of unimpressive sadness, for lack of a better word at the crack of dawn. (Hopefully a short phase- although maybe that is a naive way to look at things, maybe this whole journey is just a series of emotional ups and downs and I just haven't realized it yet)

The idea that cancer is in my body, and it's not going away any time soon is crazy to me!! I mean how did this happen?? Was it something I ate? Did I not shower or wash my hands enough? Did I drink too much Coke? Or maybe it was something more spiritual like there are still lessons I need to learn about my own mother dying? Maybe I needed to parent 2 young girls while being sick? Maybe I gossip too much? Maybe I'm a rotten person? Maybe I haven't had enough "bad" things happen to me in my lifetime, yet? Whatever the case may be, I can't help but wonder WHAT THE HELL?????

I know you will be saying "No, no it's none of those things, it just happened" (but some of you may just agree about a couple of those :), like maybe the showering...). And although I will appreciate the words of encouragement and support that me getting breast cancer is not my fault, I just can't help but think...how did this happen?