Spirits Lifted

Last Thursday, 8/26, I had an appointment with Dr. Lee so he could start filling (expanding) the empty balloons that are in there right now. These are serving as place holders - for lack of a better word - until reconstruction surgery. I have to go every week until surgery to have them filled with saline. These expanders were placed behind my muscles (my pectorals) and let me tell you it hurts like a mother!! It's getting better, but still!

Anyway, they (his nurse, Hailey, and an intern) saw the beginnings of an infection on the right side, plus they found a tiny spot where the stitches were not all the way closed. It was gross (in a really good way) to watch them get the gross stuff out and clean it. Hailey told me that Dr. Lee would probably want to re-stitch that incision, which freaked me out....until I realized I don't have any feeling there anyway. Finally, I got to see Dr. Lee - he always brightens my day! He is a riot, but warm at the same time. All went well, everything is fixed, but I didn't get expanded. Next Thursday(and every Thursday after that) I will go back to be expanded - which I'm not looking forward to because I can imagine it is not pleasant. But at least I'll be laughing while it's being done.

Arthur and I attended my chemotherapy lesson today. Dr. Shah's nurse (Linda aka Frenchie, seriously) went over all my prescriptions (there are 5) that I will be taking JUST to get through the chemo. I am scheduled to start on Thursday 9/2. It will be 4 to 6 treatments ( I am so hoping for only 4, so keep your fingers crossed) and they will be administered every 21 days. I will have lab work every time I go, which will be done through the port in my upper left chest near the clavicle. Then I will meet with Dr. Shah, then I will head over to the chemo floor at M.D. Anderson. The treatments last 3 hours each.

I will post one more time for Thursday to give all the nitty gritty about what drugs I will be having the side effects (which sound particularly fun) and when you can all expect to see my happy, shiny head.

As for emotions, as may have been noticeable, I have been pretty down since a week ago Friday. As I mentioned, Dr. Lee lifted my spirits for a couple of days, but I guess I'm getting nervous about having all these chemicals put into my body. I have also realized I'm not happy about losing my hair. At first, way back in the beginning of July, I was much more accepting of the idea, but as it gets closer, I am much more freaked out by it than I thought I would be. For those of you that don't know, I'm thinking of going in the Kate Pierson (of The B-52s) red beehive direction with regards to a wig. I DO NOT want to be one of those women with a bad wig and when you walk past people they whisper, "Oh that poor woman has cancer, look at her awful wig." At least an "Oh that poor woman has cancer, but her wig rocks!" would be easier to swallow! I could even break into "Love Shack" or "Rock Lobster" because I'm such a good singer and all.

As for the girls, I think they are doing fine. I need to work at being a little more respectful of them; as I undress in front of them, and they, Emma in particular, gets grossed out(as evidenced by much drama and covering her eyes, etc) by the scars there now (they will eventually look better). But overall, I think they are pretty good. All their teachers know the situation and will be on the look out for anything. I think, for my second treatment, I will bring them to the chemo room and show them everything. By that time, I should start experiencing some of the major side effects, and it may become more real for them.

Arthur and my sister seem to be doing well, too. She, Jen, has a lot going on herself, as she is trying to apply for jobs, study for her boards, and my brother-in-law, Heath, just arrived in Iraq for a year of hardship duty with the State Dept. But none the less, she has been able to keep the house neat and be the goto person for planning meals, etc. These are huge for me. I know it's going to be hard when Jen and Freddy leave. But, I hope she will feel positive and confident about me being OK. And, the day she leaves, Arthur's mom, Dee, arrives for a few weeks, so I'll be in good hands!

in peace,

monique

Back at work

I had a good day today at work. Everyone from my principal to two of the sweetest, best custodians you ever met seemed happy to have me back. That was wonderful! It certainly helped to make my day so great!!

I guess the question is, am I happy to be back at work? And truly, I am. I know giving in to my feelings of utter sadness and laying around in my cave of room is not good for me - I know this!!

Not only that, the idea of being back where I really love to be will have a good effect on me, I know it will. Being around the kids, and MY kid, and the great teachers, and all those books will be positive for me! Not to mention what is good for our family, me being back at work and not taking so many sick days right away.

But...and this is difficult to put into words.

Physically, I feel pretty good, I have some uncomfortableness (is that a word??) in my breast area, as the muscles still feel very tight and stretched (because they are) and my therefore my skin feels a little sensitive right in the place where the muscle is attached to the breast bone. Plus, I have a bunch of skin kind of bunched up under my arms (which has been preserved, so to speak, for my reconstruction) so that feels weird. Then, overall, since I haven't been moving a whole lot for the last couple of weeks, everything feels a little tight and out of shape. But other than those things, I'm fine. Really, I know I'm bitching and I'm sorry for that, but it really isn't too bad.

My biggest issue is emotional/mental (no jokes here, OK?). I'm really struggling with not being as gung ho and enthusiastic and excited as I normally am. I just can't seem to summon all that energy right now. I know, I know I need to go easy on myself and cut myself a break. But it is really hard to do that when you love your job and you know you're pretty good at it and you know kids and teachers are depending on you to do a certain job and do it well. My idea of well is not so close to what I am able to do right now. And I hate that! Plus, just trying to overcome the overwhelming feeling of depression, for lack of a better word, is pretty tough.

Thank goodness, though, the girls, so far are enjoying school and their teachers. Arthur has been great. And having my sister and my nephew here to "hold down the fort" while I'm at school are a blessing!! And all of them are so much appreciated. I wish Skylar and Emma were a little more willing to cuddle and snuggle, granted that would be for my benefit, but their age may be the road block for that. Other than that, my support is just what I need right now, and that makes a world of difference.

much love and peace to you all,

monique

The good and the bad

Sorry for the delay in news - great news - my last pathology report showed no lymph node involvement. That really is fantastic news. The tiny "micro metastasis" (tiny cancer cells) that showed up using a dye during the initial pathology after my 1st surgery only showed up in 2 of all the nodes they checked, so when they took out the next few nodes, there was nothing there at all. So, very good news!!

At the same time they informed me that my reconstruction surgery would be Sept 10, which I immediately started crying, as my sister leaves Sept. 8. All this news brought about a days long depression. It was difficult for me to see the forest for the trees.

The next day we saw my oncologist, Dr. Shah. She shared all kinds of information about the chemotherapy she was recommending. The conflict was whether to do reconstruction 1st or start/finish chemo 1st. Additionally, there was the idea floating around in my head of should I go back to work or not right now. So for a few days, it felt like the decision was mine to make, and, I swear mental energy for anything more than when to go to the bathroom is very hard for me. I felt overwhelmed. To add fuel to the fire, I started reading all the information given to me by Dr. Shah about the drugs I'll be given and chemo in general. One booklet she gave me was "Chemotherapy and You" - I am not lying!! So after reading and reading and looking at all the prescriptions she gave me, including one for a wig, I just lost it. Literally for 3 days, I was crying every time I had a down moment. There was nothing I could think of that did not some how involve me and my cancer. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just felt sad.

Since then a few things have been resolved, I am going to do my chemo 1st. That should take about 4 months. I will write more about it later and fill in all the details I can, but I should start that next week, given nothing changes. I am also starting back to work today. My conflict about that is that I won't be 100%. But, I will love being back and I will do the best I can for right now. Arthur says I should give my self a break. So that's what I'm going to do.

Much love to you all,

monique

Some shout outs

I have been meaning to do this for some time now and haven't had the chance, but I wanted to publicly thank a few people, and there are so many to thank so I may not get to everyone. Not to mention I'm only about, what, 1/4 of the way into this mess, so there will be many more to thank along my journey - this is the 1st round.

**I want to thank my sister for loving me, no matter what!! I know my cancer "did not come at a good time for her :) " but I want her to know how happy and proud I am that she was able to finish, and not just finish - but kick ass in - nursing school and to parent her 5yr. son, Freddy, and to see her husband, Heath, off to Iraq all the while having me and cancer and our mother on her mind. She is also the one who pushed me - while I fought back - about getting 2nd opinions and seeking out the best doctors and I am soooo happy I did. I can't wait to see you tonight!! Thank you, Jennifer! I love you!!

** I want to thank my surrogate mom, Judy, for flying in the night before my first surgery and being here ever since. She has been an undemanding guest, sleeping in what ever conditions there have been. And she has been such a wonderful care giver, stepping lightly, always concerned about my well-being. She has had to drive my nasty van around an unfamiliar town to get me to my dr. appts. (I'm not allowed to drive), she has had to deal with the dogs (enough said), she has played secretary to all the calls and gracious host to all the visitors. She has also had to impersonate a florist and a nurse. But the biggest, most important role she has taken on is that of being my mom, and I have really needed that. So, thank you, Judy! I love you!

** I want to thank my husband, Arthur, who has been very wonderful and caring. His gentle spirit has been so clearly evident to me, and I have so appreciated seeing it. We have spent more time talking then we have in a while and that's been nice. We have our own unique way we roll, and I know it may appear odd to some, OK - to most of you, but it's working for us better than ever. Thank you, Honey! I love you!

** I want to thank my Posse, and they know who they are. Coming to doctors' appts., showing up at 5am for surgeries, waiting around the hospital for hours, hanging out in my cave, rubbing my back, I could go on and on. Please know how much you are appreciated. I have said this for years, but now I REALLY mean it, I don't know how women get through life without girlfriends!! I love you girls so much!! Thank you for being my friends!

**I want to thank my school posse, as well! The funny stories, the gossip, the calls, the cards, the Krispy Kreme doughnuts have all had curative powers I am sure!! It's because of you I can wake up relatively cheerful knowing the library is at least running and that kids will be able to get books pretty quickly. Thank you!! I love you!!

**I want to thank all my friends and family who have had breast cancer. There is a diverse group of you ranging in age from 43 to 64 with years of being cancer free from 2 to 19 years. Your insight and support have made all this bearable and I thank you. I am so sorry that you all had to go through this, and please know that your experiences and your sharing with me have helped me in my journey. I pledge to do the same when I'm on the cancer-free side!! So, thank you, thank you, thank you!! I love you all!

**I want to thank everyone who has brought us dinner! It has been more helpful than you know, and to be honest, more helpful than I thought it would be. The mental energy of just deciding what to have for dinner is too much for me right now. So this has been great. I actually get out of bed, go downstairs, and we all enjoy dinner together. So thank you!! Everything has been so yummy! The person who set up acct. on the website www.takethemameal.com ( password is "boob" ) just extended the days, then depending on what happens Thursday at the dr. appt. she'll adjust again.

**Finally, as I have mentioned before, all of the calls, cards, comments, emails, messages, texts, prayers, positive vibes, good energy that is being sent my way - I feel every bit if it!! Thank you so much to all of you for keeping Skylar and Emma, Arthur, the dogs and me in your thoughts and for loving us!

Some funny stories

Today I have been sad (I wanted to be at work so much - I'm missing everything about school right now) and crabby (I can't pinpoint exactly why - but I have been pretty grumpy) so I thought I would lift my own spirits by rehashing a couple of funny stories from the hospital.

OK, so Thursday night I am shaving, etc to prep for my short hospital stay. I notice one of the teeny, tiny tubes from my medicine ball has come loose from my breast. As I am following it along it's route to the ball, I notice the 2 bigger tubes are clamped shut. I'm thinking "what the hell?" So I recheck everything including the weight of the ball which does not seem to have changed since day one. Then I think about the fact that I never saw anyone do anything to it or show me anything about it. So, I go to sleep, wake at the lovely hour of 4 a.m. feeling pretty relaxed about the surgery and unbelieving about the medicine ball! So as we head to the hospital, Arthur, Judy, and I are talking it out and laughing -"there's no way it could have been clamped the whole time" - or "maybe I'm part of a study regarding the effectiveness of placebos" - or "maybe the power of suggestion is stronger than real pain" - or "we want that med. ball taken off our bill" - etc. etc. I mean the entire 8 days, I maybe took 4 percocet because I was in so little pain!! I went on and on about how great the medicine ball was, "I felt no pain" "this thing is great" "isn't this amazing?" just on and on!! What a dumbass I am?!! :)

Anyway, the pre-op nurse confirmed that it was indeed clamped shut! And since I didn't do anything to it, I must have come home from the hospital with it clamped shut!!

Now, some of you may have noticed it and harassed me endlessly, some of you may have noticed it and pointed to it politely, some of you may have noticed it but decided for the sake of decorum you would not mention it, and finally, some of you really may not have noticed the tiny flap of skin hanging just inside my right nostril for the last 9 months or so. This tiny flap of skin, for lack of a better word, looked like a small booger. It drove me crazy, but the one and only time I tried to do anything about it, I used nail clippers and it hurt like the dickens not to mention it bled like a stuck pig!! Anyway, a couple of close girlfriends asked me to ask my plastic surgeon, Dr. Lee, if, while I was under if he would cauterize that thing right off!! So as my family and friends stood by, I proceeded to ask him while they all cracked up laughing! But as he got a close up look at it, he said "sure!" He came back later with his sharpies for what he called "mapquest time" and drew all over my empty little breast balloons, my chest, my underarms, then, to my embarrassment, he used a light blue sharpie on my cheek and drew an arrow to my nose and wrote "yes" to help him remember! The nurse was cracking up when she came back! But, by god, it's gone!! No more fake booger in my nose, so if I catch you sneaking a peek, I'll understand! ;)

I wasn't able to write too much when I got home from surgery, as I was totally exhausted. But I want to say, again, how wonderful the entire staff was thoughout my surgical experience on Friday. Truly, I was relaxed and at ease, I was able to talk and ask a lot of questions (difficult to imagine, right??) in pre-op and in recovery. Until then all was great, but as they moved me to the area from where I was to be discharged, the tech was somewhat insensitive to me and the condition I was in. She was polite and all, but really just clueless about how I felt. I was in a lot of pain and was very "cloudy." Like she walked way too fast, my legs were so shakey. Then after a very quick rundown of what they had to drink, (I was processing too slowly but picked ginger ale)she brought it to me, but proceeded to put it on a table out of my reach. I was just feeling whimpy and like I wasn't capable of completing the tasks she wanted me to do. Finally, I asked her to get Arthur. When he, Judy, and Chris came back there I was crying and crying! I must have looked pitiful - that is certainly how I felt!!

Close up pictures of my newly cleaned nose to be sent via email cheered me right up, but I was in a tremendous amount of pain. If only I had my fake medicine ball!!

Surgery update

I am home, and all is well. Surgery went well, took about 2 1/2 hours. A few more lymph nodes, not all, were taken out on the right side. Then Dr. Lee put in "expanders" under the muscles in my breasts (aka my pectoral muscles). These are to hold the space in my breast cavities, for lack of a better word, until reconstruction.

Once out of surgery, I was in recovery for an hour and a half, then I was moved to prepare to be released, then I was home by 1:00. I was, and still am, in pain. I'm able to get around somewhat, but the pain in my chest and underarms makes it difficult/impossible to lift, push, pull, or be pulled with or by my arms. So I went right to bed for the afternoon. I made it down to dinner and have been up ever since!

My spirits are up, I feel chipper, and I so completely believe I made the right decision by having this surgery today. My post-op will be with Dr. Lee next Thursday morning, which will be after he will have met with all my other doctors and gone over the pathology report. So I won't really know anything about my next steps until after Thursday's appt. So after I find out, you'll be the 1st to know! I will be posting some this weekend about a few funny stories from the hospital today, I'm just too tired right now.

A final note, my sister, Jennifer, finished her last classes of Nursing School at Seattle University today!! She graduates tomorrow with her B.S.N., (Bachelor of Science in Nursing) which is her 2nd bachelor's (her 1st is in social work in 1991 from FSU). After 2 long years of working incredibly hard, she has done it!! I have no doubt she will make an outstanding nurse, and I am really, really proud of her, and really, really happy for her!!

Complications...

A good friend told me, at the beginning of this craziness, that this cancer journey would be a roller coaster - a series of ups and downs. I, apparently, thought I was on a nice flat highway toward being cancer-free with new boobs and a flat stomach.

Well, I really am on that roller coaster, and I am not happy about it one damn bit!!!!

My surgery tomorrow will not be the DIEP reconstruction surgery, but a very short surgery where Dr. Smith will take out a few more lymph nodes (I know this sucks), and Dr. Lee will put in expanders (and yes, I know this sucks, too) to hold my breast shape.

What led to this was, ultimately, the pathology on that right side sentinel lymph node (which ended up actually being 7 nodes they took out). The micro-metastasis (very, very tiny bits of cancer cells) in a couple of those nodes is why the doctors are concerned. This morning, Thursday, Dr. Lee met with Dr. Smith, Dr. Bucholz (radiation guy) and Dr. Shah (my oncologist) and all of them have a a different idea about how to proceed with my case, yet none of them feels so strongly as to make a definitive recommendation. There are many factors, with which I will not bore you, but each of those factors are right on the edge between 2 different paths in which they could proceed - which makes for an unclear direction in which to go for everyone.

Now, for me, this was distressing because, as I mentioned, I wanted to be cancer free with new boobs, a flat tummy, be back at work, and go on living healthily for the 50 years and never look back. The neatness of getting it all taken care of right now completely overshadowed the big picture, which is the fact that I want to live that long life, I want to be alive for my daughters. Nothing else should matter, whatever it takes!! So I was able to step back, thanks to Dr. Lee, and look at that big picture. Right then and there I had an Oprah "a ha" moment, I knew that the messing up of the plan, was really the path I had to take. It was very clear to me. Dr. Smith called this afternoon to reiterate all that Dr. Lee had said, and we all came to a decision - we will take the most conservative route to beating the hell out of this cancer shit!! (OK - Dr. Smith is very mild mannered and he didn't say that, but I was thinking it). Hopefully, I'll be cancer-free forever, but if something does reoccur, I don't want to look back and think "I should have done this..."

So...I will have a few more lymph nodes taken out and have expanders put in tomorrow morning (we have to be at the hospital at 5:00a.m.!!). The surgery should only take 1 to 2 hours. I hope to be home by the late afternoon or evening. We will wait the 5 days for pathology. If the pathology is clear, then we will proceed with the reconstruction in the next couple of weeks. If it is not clear, the radiation oncologist will recommend radiation and we'll go from there. Obviously, I am hoping for option 1, so please keep that positive energy, good thoughts, prayers, and well wishes coming my way! I need it.

much love and peace,

monique

Feeling low

I had my post-op today with Dr. Smith - although I was able to stop at the doll house store on the way, which was a treat!

Dr. Smith asked me how was feeling, etc. Then shared that "some of the information we got back from the pathology report was not as good as we had hoped."

1. The tumor in my right breast - which according to ultra sounds, mammo, and all the other tests - was thought to be 3.5 cm. It was actually 5 cm. Now, he got it all out, got good margins (which means there is no sign of any cancer in the tissue/skin that was left), but when a tumor hits the 5 cm mark, it is of concern that maybe some of the cancer cells have moved (through the lymph system or through blood) - I'm pretty sure I'm explaining that correctly, but I'm very tired and I haven't read a whole lot more about it yet.

2. The pathology on my sentinel lymphnode went well during surgery, continued to go well under the microscope, continued to go well when it was chopped, diced and sliced, then when there was a contrast used a couple of miniscule spots showed up. The good news about that is that it was not enough to go in and remove any lymphnodes - which I was very happy about!! BUT... it MAY mean they will want me to have radiation for the next 4 to 6 weeks, which would then put off the DIEP reconstruction surgery until later in the fall. The rationale for having the radiation is that even though the tumor was removed and the tissue is clear, there might still be some cancer cells in the lymph fluid floating around in there.

So, what all this means is I won't know anything until tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning, after the radiation oncologist, Dr. Bucholz, looks at the report in detail and talks to Dr. Smith. Then they will all confer on the case Thursday morning, too.

I have so many more thoughts I want to get down, but I need some sleep.

much love,

monique

Quick post

Just wanted to let you all know how much you are appreciated! All of your kind words, positive energy, prayers, flowers, food, treats, visits, calls, harassments, messages, emails - THANK YOU!! It really does make a difference - I am encouraged every day by all of you.

I have my post-op tomorrow in the morning with Dr. Smith. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm trying not too get too anxious about this next step, but I have to be honest, it's freaking me out! I don't think it's going to be fun - we got a little info about it from my nurse during my last stay. I'll be on the same floor - surgical oncology - so she was sharing about my recovery after the DIEP surgery. Here's a good laugh for those of you that know me well - my room will have the temp. set at 80 for the 1st 24 hours!!!! I know, right???!! It's something about the heat and being flushed which causes the capillaries and vessels to flow very well. I'll give you more details about my surgery after my pre-op on Thursday.

much love,

monique

Yesterday was kinda rough, but today is grand

Yesterday morning, 36 hours post-op, I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck, which, then made me a little depressed. Then I looked at my chest, it didn't look near as beautiful as it had when I looked at it the day before. So I was feeling a little down. The pain meds were, and are, still directly connected to my little. empty breast balloons, so it wasn't that kind of pain. It was just the kind of achy pain where your body just kind of hurts. And my neck was sore. I realized, the pain med ball (that's the shape of it) is in a little bag around my neck, so I have since figured out a way to strap it to my waist - so my neck is much better today. I don't know about you, but when I feel achy I feel kind of down. Plus, it was a little tough to move around and I wasn't very hungry. And, don't you friggin' know, a cold sore was developing on my lip!! Not to mention, I began thinking of my 2nd surgery, which will make this look like a walk in the park! So I was most definitely feeling a little poopy yesterday. But I had a couple of visitors armed with flowers, candy, Abreva, and food so by the end of the afternoon and after a nap, I was feeling much better. I was hungry for dinner and even walked down stairs to see the crazy dogs and eat.

Today is a whole different story. Yes, the damn cold sore is still there, but I'm back to thinking my chest looks beautiful and ready for Dr. Lee's handiwork. My neck doesn't hurt, body is still a little achy but not major, and I feel like I can get around a lot better! So all in all I'm feeling really good. Mentally, I can't read A Farewell to Arms or anything right now, but watching a little HGTV and looking at the internet a little, gives me something to do in between naps, and I didn't even start doing any of that until 7 last night. The synapses are not all firing right now (OK - I hear the instant harassment - keep it to a minimum, I have cancer you know??!! :) )

I can't believe how much I slept yesterday and still slept pretty well last night and now I feel sleepy again! But I guess that's what the body needs.

All in all things looks pretty good. I'm still, of course, hoping for a good pathology report. Maybe I'll know something by my post-op appt. with Dr. Smith on Tuesday afternoon, so keep all the good stuff coming my way!

Happy rainy Sunday!

in peace,

monique

"The girls," aka my breasts, are gone!

Thought I'd do a quick update - I'm home from hospital, less 2 breasts. I'm feeling good.

The day before yesterday, I went into the hospital early for the lymphnode scans that would be used in the surgery. Then hung out for a long while until I was called back to pre-op around 1:00. This is the point when I really got teary and stressed out. Although, as I mentioned I would, I reassured myself that I would indeed wake up from surgery by asking everyone I saw that even resembled medical staff, I was still very stressed out. I wasn't allowed to have any family or friends with me at this point, so I was pretty sad. But as soon as I got my IV (which I HATE getting) I was given demerol, and wow did I relax! Then Arthur, Kyle and Judy all got to come back and give me a kiss. Skylar and Emma were too young to come back there at that point. I barely remember that part, and before I knew I was being woken up!!

I did wake up in pain, but before I could blink an eye, it was gone. Then all I wanted was Arthur. I was feeling very "mushy" and lovey and "wimpy" but seeing him cured all my ills!

Judy also came to give me and hug and a kiss. I was then taken up to my room on the 9th floor - the surgical oncology unit - followed by a trail of family and friends, like a circus train - Arthur, Skylar, Emma, Judy, Kyle, Zoe, and Rhissa. The nurses were cracking up!

I got moved to a nice, squishy, comfy bed with cotton sheets! And I was able to change out of my paper & velcro surgical gown into a comfy cotton gown. Everyone hung out with me for a little bit. I was so thirsty and hungry so a big jug of water and applesauce hit the spot. Seriously, that applesauce was so incredibly yummy you would have thought it was homemade the way I was carrying on about it! It was at this point that they told me Dr. Smith had visited them in the waiting room and told them there was no lymphnode involvement FANTASTIC news!! Now they will still do all the pathology on all the breast tissue and the 2 sentinel nodes he removed (1 from each side), but it looks really good!

WARNING: TMI just ahead - As for my chest I truly was expecting Frankenstein, but it's really not near that bad!! Dr. Smith did a skin-sparring procedure so that most of my breast skin is left, but it's kind of pushed off to each side and held with tape. The purpose of this is so when Dr. Lee reconstructs next week, all my own skin can be used. As for incision, I can't see it, but the little bandages are pretty small and were done in a circle shape around each nipple and that's it!! Unbelievable. Now I don't know it that will change for reconstruction, but the 2 surgeons consulted ahead of time, so hopefully this was the plan for both surgerys! Also off to each side is a turkey baster looking thing attached to my former breasts by a tube. That is the drain so that blood, lymph fluid, etc can drain out via the suction created in each "bulb." So those have to be emptied every few hours or so. There is also attached to each side the tiniest tube filled with some sort of local pain med/anesthetic that is being pumped directly to the former breast areas. It is awesome - I don't feel groggy or out of it.

So all my visitors last night were able to see all this if they wanted to. Skylar and Emma were like "ah, no thanks" but I think everyone else was interested. They could have been blowing sunshine, but they all said it looked pretty good. I think it looks great! Dr. Smith is a genius!

Everyone then said good night and I got more kisses and hugs! At this point I felt pretty sleepy physically, but I was pretty alert and my throat hurt from the tube they stuff down there during surgery. The nurse gave me percocet for my throat, but it really didn't help much, but it did put me to sleep. Everything else went well throughout the night. I had my "mix tape" (mini ipod) that Arthur made specially for me that was/is outstanding! He must really know me! Judy even had a Murphy in which to sleep. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning at 5:15 am!! I was even admiring all my soft saved breast skin and I was happy!

I'll continue to keep you updated - this coming week I'll have post-op with Dr. Smith and pre-op with Dr. Lee, then will be back in the hospital on Friday morning!

Thank you for all your prayers, good thoughts, positive energy that were sent my way! I am feeling strong and positive, and lots of that comes from all of you! So thank you, again!

in peace and love,

monique

The last night of my "before" life

I have 13 more minutes until I can't eat or drink anything! And for some reason I don't seem to be able to quench my thirst - maybe it's psychosomatic!

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good. All the details are worked out for tomorrow with regards to me getting to the hospital, the girls, Henri and Loli to the airport.

I have a scan of my lymphnodes at 7:00 am. Dr. Smith will use these films during surgery to pinpoint my sentinel lymphnodes and see if there is any other node "involvement."

My surgery is not until 2:30, so I'll just be hanging around for a while. The surgery should only last a couple of hours.

Thank you all so much for all your kind words, phone calls, messages and emails. I feel all that positive energy and prayers!

Much love and peace to you all!

monique

Down to 1 bra!

This is great, every time one of my bras gets dirty, I just throw it away!

OK, am I in denial? I just don't seem too freaked out yet??!! I had my pre-admission appointment today - going over my health questionnaires, blood tests, blood pressure, ekg, living will, etc, etc.

I do get a little squeamish about the idea of not waking up from the anesthesia - I asked the anesthesia nurse today and she said the chances were slim to none, the chances were less than crashing in an airplane - and I fly a lot, so I felt better. It's like, logically you know that it's true, but it's comforting - to me - to hear it from a professional! I swear, when I had both girls, I asked every medical professional who came in the room if I would be paralyzed from the epidural!! I guess this is like that, because rest assured that nurse today was not the last person I will ask about that!!

I spoke with a friend my exact age who was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago - (thanks Liz!!) - just as I was beginning to really think about being flat when I wake up Friday afternoon. She had some great things to say and her insight was very helpful. I thought of 2 questions I need to ask that, embarrassingly, I have yet ask or confirm with the doctors - where will the incisions be? and what are the implications of have a port (where will it be, day to day how will I live with it, will it leave a scar, why not get an IV every time for chemo)? So, I will put those down in my little journal I carry with me, so I can ask Dr. Smith on Thursday.

The stress of this cancer and my impending surgeries is most positively apparent in my inability to remember a damn thing!!! Honest to god, words, thoughts, ideas go missing within seconds!! I have moved beyond (for right now, at least) immediately thinking the cancer is in my brain when I forget my child's name, although I joke about it plenty!

I'm in a good place as far as school is concerned - thanks to so many people. I feel like I have done as much as I can do and delegated as much as I can ( or at least as much as I can remember) Now it's time to leave it be and be at peace with it!

OK, right now Arthur and I are sleeping in the double bed in our guest room (we are big people) with 2 of our 3 dogs. Skylar is on an air mattress at the end of the bed and Emma is trying to wriggle her way on to the bed in between Arthur and me. I actually spoke these words out loud "A double mastectomy and a night alone in the hospital looks good right now!!"

I am starting to get sad about Henri and Loli leaving on Thursday. I'm happy it's all on the same day as my surgery - I imagine I will be so distracted by my agonizing pain and the fact that I look like an 8 year old and that my former breasts will like Frankenstein that I won't feel sad and the house won't feel empty. I have been surprised by how attached I've gotten to my new family members! In the words of Henri, "It has been super great!" My heart is so full of love for them, and I will miss them so much! We have already started planning our trip to France, hopefully 2012!

OK, it's T minus 36 hours! Luckily I have a pretty easy/relaxing day planned for tomorrow.

in peace,

monique

Last hoo rah!

I spent the day at Epcot - my most favorite park - with Henri, Loli, their boys, and Skylar and Emma! What a wonderful day! We were there park-open to park-close (thank you, Kim!!) and it was a perfect day! Everyone is zonked out now, as I am about to be.

But I have to complain for a minute - I only had 8 oz. of coke today!! I have to be off caffeine completely and totally, including chocolate, by my second surgery - 8/13. That sucks!! The hell with worrying about the cancer, having no coke for the next 6 weeks is too much for me to wrap my brain around!! :) I'm trying to be weaned off it by this Thursday!!

Tomorrow I will do my hospital pre-admission which takes about 1 1/2 hours - no idea why so long, luckily I like to read so I'll have my book with me!

I'll write more tomorrow!

much love and peace,

monique

Crying! Really??!!

OK, I have cried 3 different times today with 3 different people about 3 different things!! Obviously, I'm a little emotional! But luckily I am surrounded by the most loving, caring, and supportive family and friends a person could ask for.

Pre-cancer, I thought of myself as relatively straightforward and honest most of the time with most people (don't laugh, Jen). But this experience has prompted me to be thoroughly open and honest with those around me (lucky them). I can't explain why, and you're probably not interested anyway, but it feels palliative and liberating. I don't mean dumping on others, or at the expense of others, I just mean explaining how I feel and why. Of the many changes that cancer brings to one's life, maybe this is one that will stay with me.

I'm still having a difficult time with just letting people do things for me/us! Saying "yes" or "ok" is more difficult than one would think. I'm sure many of you have experienced this same inability to let others do for you....why do we do this? Maybe letting others do for us is one of the ways to create more joy in the world. I know I always feel good when I can do something for someone else, especially someone I love who needs help.

Thanks for all of the phone calls, wonderful messages and emails, and all that positive energy! Keep it coming - I'm gonna need it!

much love and peace,

monique