OK, am I in denial? I just don't seem too freaked out yet??!! I had my pre-admission appointment today - going over my health questionnaires, blood tests, blood pressure, ekg, living will, etc, etc.
I do get a little squeamish about the idea of not waking up from the anesthesia - I asked the anesthesia nurse today and she said the chances were slim to none, the chances were less than crashing in an airplane - and I fly a lot, so I felt better. It's like, logically you know that it's true, but it's comforting - to me - to hear it from a professional! I swear, when I had both girls, I asked every medical professional who came in the room if I would be paralyzed from the epidural!! I guess this is like that, because rest assured that nurse today was not the last person I will ask about that!!
I spoke with a friend my exact age who was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago - (thanks Liz!!) - just as I was beginning to really think about being flat when I wake up Friday afternoon. She had some great things to say and her insight was very helpful. I thought of 2 questions I need to ask that, embarrassingly, I have yet ask or confirm with the doctors - where will the incisions be? and what are the implications of have a port (where will it be, day to day how will I live with it, will it leave a scar, why not get an IV every time for chemo)? So, I will put those down in my little journal I carry with me, so I can ask Dr. Smith on Thursday.
The stress of this cancer and my impending surgeries is most positively apparent in my inability to remember a damn thing!!! Honest to god, words, thoughts, ideas go missing within seconds!! I have moved beyond (for right now, at least) immediately thinking the cancer is in my brain when I forget my child's name, although I joke about it plenty!
I'm in a good place as far as school is concerned - thanks to so many people. I feel like I have done as much as I can do and delegated as much as I can ( or at least as much as I can remember) Now it's time to leave it be and be at peace with it!
OK, right now Arthur and I are sleeping in the double bed in our guest room (we are big people) with 2 of our 3 dogs. Skylar is on an air mattress at the end of the bed and Emma is trying to wriggle her way on to the bed in between Arthur and me. I actually spoke these words out loud "A double mastectomy and a night alone in the hospital looks good right now!!"
I am starting to get sad about Henri and Loli leaving on Thursday. I'm happy it's all on the same day as my surgery - I imagine I will be so distracted by my agonizing pain and the fact that I look like an 8 year old and that my former breasts will like Frankenstein that I won't feel sad and the house won't feel empty. I have been surprised by how attached I've gotten to my new family members! In the words of Henri, "It has been super great!" My heart is so full of love for them, and I will miss them so much! We have already started planning our trip to France, hopefully 2012!
OK, it's T minus 36 hours! Luckily I have a pretty easy/relaxing day planned for tomorrow.
in peace,
monique
No comments:
Post a Comment