And maybe, I'm dreading the Neulasta shot tomorrow. As I mentioned earlier, the shot is intended to stimulate production of white blood cells at a very high rate, which happens in the bone marrow inside your bones. The result in 80% of patients is "bone pain" in the larger bones like your femur, sternum, and humerus (your bigger bones). But who knows, maybe I'll be in the 20% who doesn't get it!! This particular portion of my treatment is really more of a preventative measure to insure my white blood cell count does not go too low throughout the chemotherapy.
But as I was laying there (is it supposed to be "lying there?" I'm not sure) trying to sleep, my thoughts wander. I was thinking about my sister leaving on Wednesday. I know she has to get back to her life, but I can't help but feel sad. I know the families we create, the people we marry, the children we have are our own, but there is something about our families of origin that makes us feel safe and taken care of. Maybe that's just me and how I feel, maybe everyone doesn't feel that way. But I do. And maybe, since our mom died when we were so young and with Daddy dying just 5 years ago, I feel the connection to my sister as the one last string to someone who has known me longer than anyone and who knows me, really knows me - all the shit and all! - and yet still loves me and wants to take care of me and protect me. And without that I am going to feel lonely and vulnerable. Normally, our separation (she in Seattle, me in Orlando) is manageable, it can be handled. But the fact is I "feel" fragile right now, so that separation will be that much more difficult for me.
I'm not sure where to go from here, where to take this... but I do know she and I were raised by strong people, and we both will be OK. Because in spite of my cancer treatments, she has a lot going on, too. I think I've written about it but her husband will be in Iraq for a year, she'll be a "single" mom of my 5 1/2 yr. old nephew, she is trying to pass her nursing boards and get a job!! So we are both worried about each other, but we will be just fine. We will continue to be a support for each other. We are too enmeshed not to be!
Now, the blessing of Jen and Freddy leaving on Wednesday is that Dee, Arthur's mom arrives the same day!! I am so lucky to have a mother-in-law willing to come and help take care of me. And, as mentioned above, this fragility that I am feeling is not something I am used to. But having someone (Jen and soon, Dee) here to allow me to feel and live that and maybe help to put my bravado to rest a while is a good thing. I think my own family may not see/accept what is happening to me yet or ever??!! Who knows? But I know my pertinaciousness when it comes to continuing with the same routine, kids activities, work schedule, involvement with the girls' classes, not to mention going to the movies with Arthur, etc, etc, has not made it easy for them to see the real seriousness of the chemicals going into my body and the effects those will have on me. So I need to be sure that I am continuing to read and learn about how to keep talking to my family about all aspects of this. And...making sure I let myself just be, the authenticity of how I'm really feeling should (and hopefully will) be the true method for showing them what all this is about.
I just yawned twice, so let's hope sleep will come!
much peace and love,
monique
You have such a gift for words, Monique. Thank you for that. When I had surgery years ago, I felt like a little kid who lacked power. You put that feeling into words and I had never been able to quite figure out that feeling. For me, that feeling only hasted about a week. I know that you will probably have these days sneak in and out, but having your family mear, as you said, will help. There's nothing wrong with sitting back and letting someone else take control.
ReplyDeleteI know you are going to make it through this. Keeping the knowledge that you only have a limited number of treatments reminds you that this will have an end and then you can move ahead.
Monique, I think you are doing well through all of this. I am no expert or anything but it is my gut feeling. I have learned so much from your blog and I feel more involved in your life than I have been in years. Even though you feel wimpy or overwhelmed at times, you have strength in those times by letting someone step in and help. Remember that your help and your net of love extends far beyond the walls of your home. There are good karma waves vibrating everywhere for Monique's rise above this cancer that is dominating your days and nights!
Love ya!
Margaret