Over dinner at our home we do "best and worst parts of your day" and all four of us share. When I shared tonight, my best and worst parts of the day were the same - getting the call from Becky (Dr. Smith's scheduler) regarding my mastectomy. I feel relieved that I finally have a date(s) and can start making plans. I feel sad, stressed, and anxious about everything that will soon be coming my way.
It took a little while this morning for it to sink in this morning, but then I had to quickly get on the phone to confirm and schedule the 2 pre-op appointments, the 2 post-op appointments, the pre-admission appointment, cancel and reschedule the 1st post-op appointment with Dr. Shah - the oncologist. It was overwhelming! I was loving my good, old-fashioned daytimer/calendar today.
After all this I had to complete the open enrollment for benefits from school (yes I waited until the last minute!) and that was depressing. I realized I may never be able to get reasonably priced life insurance again(if any at all). Not sure why that bothers me so much, but it does! I then realized how unprepared we were for all of this. Yes, we have fine - in fact I might go so far as to say good - health insurance - thank god! I can't imagine having to go through this and having to worry about that part of it! But, I have not saved up sick days, and I'm not in the sick leave bank! Big mistakes! And as far as disability insurance - we have none. Another mistake! It's funny how unimportant some things seem to be at times, and how quickly those things change!
What a perfect segue to the real stuff! Although I have been somewhat detached about losing my breasts, I was sad today at the thought that these "girls" nourished my amazing daughters. That might sound weird, but it most definitely feels sad! And despite the fact they sag far more than I would like, overall they are pretty nice breasts and have served me well. I'll miss the "girls" and I just didn't think I would!!
Then there are these incredible feelings that I have of being alone. I know, I know - I'm not alone - in so many ways I'm not alone. I have dear friends who have fought this and support me, I have dear friends who haven't but are there for me, I have dear co-workers who care about me, and I have a wonderful family who loves me - I know all that logically! I just can't help the feelings of loneliness sometimes! Then there is the infantile, but very real feeling, that I just want my mom to be here to take care of me, which leads me to thinking about how she must have felt when she was sick - and wishing I hadn't been such a pain-in-the-ass pre-teen at the time, but instead that I wish I could take care of her. Then, when I think about my mom, I think about how much I miss my dad, but I would have never wanted him to have to live through this with me. He would have been an amazing care giver, albeit a heart-broken one. Then of course, there is the fact I haven't done any back-to-school shopping or won't be able to help the girls prepare for the start of the year. For some of you, this may seem particularly silly, but I have always LOVED getting ready for school to start, then the girls came along and it magnified 20 fold! Buying treats for their teachers, making their 1st day of school dress (OK - that was years ago, but still...), helping to get them organized. I'm going to miss all that and it makes me sad - like I'm missing out on something, and like how will they do it without me? Which leads me to, oh my god, what if something happens to me????
As I'm trying to verbalize all this, through tears, to my wonderful husband, I wonder what he - in his logical brain, could be thinking. Then, as he's trying to explain to me that logically I'm not alone, the life insurance doesn't matter, etc, etc, - I realize we are in completely different planes in regards to this - but that's OK. He loves me, I love him, and we'll get through this in our own way. As for the girls, they don't see anything wrong with me, so they seem to be oblivious to the cancer. I check in with them every few days to see if they have any questions and to see how they are feeling. I'm trying to prepare them without scaring them.
As the evening has progressed, I feel better - somewhat task oriented, as the date is imminent. But all in all, I'm good, for now.
Thanks for all your love, everyone!
in peace,
monique
Monique, I know little about the "normal" process of facing breast cancer. I have even talked to a couple of friends who have recently faced treatments for breast cancer to get an idea of how I can be a helpful friend. I still do not know the "normal" steps for you or me. I say normal in quotations because how can an invasion in your body ever be described as having any normal steps? This invader has changed you and your family so much in such a short time. You have spent your summer educating yourself about breast cancer, selecting doctors, dealing with insurance and tying up loose ends. What is "normal" about any of that?
ReplyDeleteI am searching for words that will bring you back to a place of strength and calm and no words come. Usually, I am pretty good with words and communicating sanity and calmness (though I am sure some would never agree with that) but with you, I feel so lost. The only thing that comes to me is an overwhelming urge to hug you and tell you how much I love you and treasure your frienship.
The other thoughts that go though me is a thankfulness that you have been so open with sharing your cancer trip in an ope manner as this blog. I have learned so much. I have learned a lot about cancer and I have learned so much more about you. I have always known that you are strong within your beliefs but I have also known that you are an empathetic, feeling individual. Through this blog, I have learned about your strength in investigating and being decisive, the richness in your written communication and the reality of your emotions in this process.
I have seen your emotional side many, many times! But when I see it in this blog, the emotions are mixed with your intelligance. Even with your emotions, I can tell that you know you are doing the best that you can in this insane - unnormal - situation.
I am glad that you and Arthur talk about feelings through this. He is a good guy (no surprise)! I am glad you keep the lines of communication open with the girls. I bet that helps to reassure them, more than you know.
I know you only have a few days before your surgery. I know you have several doctoors appointments. What is the most important thing for you to do with that "other" time? You need to decide that and then figure out how to do it. I will call you Sunday to see if there is anything I can do to help you take care of your most important things. I love you, Monique. I do believe that love is strong enough to make everything alright. IF I am right, I do love you that much!