I guess the question is, am I happy to be back at work? And truly, I am. I know giving in to my feelings of utter sadness and laying around in my cave of room is not good for me - I know this!!
Not only that, the idea of being back where I really love to be will have a good effect on me, I know it will. Being around the kids, and MY kid, and the great teachers, and all those books will be positive for me! Not to mention what is good for our family, me being back at work and not taking so many sick days right away.
But...and this is difficult to put into words.
Physically, I feel pretty good, I have some uncomfortableness (is that a word??) in my breast area, as the muscles still feel very tight and stretched (because they are) and my therefore my skin feels a little sensitive right in the place where the muscle is attached to the breast bone. Plus, I have a bunch of skin kind of bunched up under my arms (which has been preserved, so to speak, for my reconstruction) so that feels weird. Then, overall, since I haven't been moving a whole lot for the last couple of weeks, everything feels a little tight and out of shape. But other than those things, I'm fine. Really, I know I'm bitching and I'm sorry for that, but it really isn't too bad.
My biggest issue is emotional/mental (no jokes here, OK?). I'm really struggling with not being as gung ho and enthusiastic and excited as I normally am. I just can't seem to summon all that energy right now. I know, I know I need to go easy on myself and cut myself a break. But it is really hard to do that when you love your job and you know you're pretty good at it and you know kids and teachers are depending on you to do a certain job and do it well. My idea of well is not so close to what I am able to do right now. And I hate that! Plus, just trying to overcome the overwhelming feeling of depression, for lack of a better word, is pretty tough.
Thank goodness, though, the girls, so far are enjoying school and their teachers. Arthur has been great. And having my sister and my nephew here to "hold down the fort" while I'm at school are a blessing!! And all of them are so much appreciated. I wish Skylar and Emma were a little more willing to cuddle and snuggle, granted that would be for my benefit, but their age may be the road block for that. Other than that, my support is just what I need right now, and that makes a world of difference.
much love and peace to you all,
monique
Try one day or even one moment at a time. Your energy is devoted mainly to your body right now and your job is not number one. Maybe think of it as when the girls were babies and you had trouble being excited and devoted to work. At that time your main energy had to go to your girls and not to you or your career. While the girls as babies were totally wonderful things for your energy to go to compared with cancer, but the devotion of time and energy is still similar.
ReplyDeleteDon't be afraid or hesitant to let someone help you. I would feel honored and a little less guilty if you would allow me to schedule to meet you after work one or two days a week to help you in your media center to help organizing and preparing needs. Please call me an let me help!
Since you are doing the chemo first, is your Sept 10 sugery date dropped?
Finally, I had to tell Kyle around his middle school times that just like he had times that he needed things and effort from me, there were times that I needed him. I told him that if I asked for a hug, he was not allowed to refuse or let me know in anyway he would rather not be bothered. In exchange, I told him that I would try to minimize the times I asked for hugs and I would help him out when he needed something that was not a rewarding activity for me.
At the age of 24 (Kyle - not me!), I still ask for these hugs. I even call him to stop by school somedays when something has really unsettled me and he comes, without complaint. I think he needed to know that his hugs were just as important to me as me fixing his favorite food, helping him do something he wants and giving him gas money now and then.
Try telling the girls that their hugs are medicine for you. That they always make you feel calmer and happy. They love you and I know, if they understand that, they are mature enough to realize that those hugs are part of what they must do. Please consider talking to them like that.
Finally, tell Skyler, Happyu Birthday." Our babies are growing up - but they are our babies, still! Kyle will never be too grown to be my little boy!
Please try to call me this weekend, if you have any time. I have something Saturday morning, but I should be home the rest of the day. I tried to call you tonight, but I'm not even sure if I remember your phone number. You might send it to me by e mail.
My love is with you and I will hug and cuddle with you, if it helps!
Dear Monique,
ReplyDeleteDorothy sent me your blog address (e-mail problems for 2 months) and after reading all your blogs from your first Drs visit to your first day back at work, I am in awe of you!! and your strenth. you are an amazing woman. You are all in my prayers, my love to you all. Stay strong!
Aunt Arline