Complications...

A good friend told me, at the beginning of this craziness, that this cancer journey would be a roller coaster - a series of ups and downs. I, apparently, thought I was on a nice flat highway toward being cancer-free with new boobs and a flat stomach.

Well, I really am on that roller coaster, and I am not happy about it one damn bit!!!!

My surgery tomorrow will not be the DIEP reconstruction surgery, but a very short surgery where Dr. Smith will take out a few more lymph nodes (I know this sucks), and Dr. Lee will put in expanders (and yes, I know this sucks, too) to hold my breast shape.

What led to this was, ultimately, the pathology on that right side sentinel lymph node (which ended up actually being 7 nodes they took out). The micro-metastasis (very, very tiny bits of cancer cells) in a couple of those nodes is why the doctors are concerned. This morning, Thursday, Dr. Lee met with Dr. Smith, Dr. Bucholz (radiation guy) and Dr. Shah (my oncologist) and all of them have a a different idea about how to proceed with my case, yet none of them feels so strongly as to make a definitive recommendation. There are many factors, with which I will not bore you, but each of those factors are right on the edge between 2 different paths in which they could proceed - which makes for an unclear direction in which to go for everyone.

Now, for me, this was distressing because, as I mentioned, I wanted to be cancer free with new boobs, a flat tummy, be back at work, and go on living healthily for the 50 years and never look back. The neatness of getting it all taken care of right now completely overshadowed the big picture, which is the fact that I want to live that long life, I want to be alive for my daughters. Nothing else should matter, whatever it takes!! So I was able to step back, thanks to Dr. Lee, and look at that big picture. Right then and there I had an Oprah "a ha" moment, I knew that the messing up of the plan, was really the path I had to take. It was very clear to me. Dr. Smith called this afternoon to reiterate all that Dr. Lee had said, and we all came to a decision - we will take the most conservative route to beating the hell out of this cancer shit!! (OK - Dr. Smith is very mild mannered and he didn't say that, but I was thinking it). Hopefully, I'll be cancer-free forever, but if something does reoccur, I don't want to look back and think "I should have done this..."

So...I will have a few more lymph nodes taken out and have expanders put in tomorrow morning (we have to be at the hospital at 5:00a.m.!!). The surgery should only take 1 to 2 hours. I hope to be home by the late afternoon or evening. We will wait the 5 days for pathology. If the pathology is clear, then we will proceed with the reconstruction in the next couple of weeks. If it is not clear, the radiation oncologist will recommend radiation and we'll go from there. Obviously, I am hoping for option 1, so please keep that positive energy, good thoughts, prayers, and well wishes coming my way! I need it.

much love and peace,

monique