Chemo tomorrow

I'm not sure exactly how I am feeling. I was trying to get everything done at work since I'll be out for the next 2 days. That's always hard; there's always that one more thing you want to try to finish. But I'm home now and that's that.

I'm a little nervous, but am focusing on trying to get out of the sad mindset and into the mindset that I am going to kick this chemotherapy's ass! I know I'm doing the chemo to keep me alive longer and to give me peace of mind. And I know the meds are strong for a reason, but I think if I have a strong frame of mind, then I'll feel stronger, and maybe, it won't have such terrible effects on me. Now, I know that doesn't make sense. I realize that the medicene will do it's job, and part of that job, however unintentional, is to cause harm to healthy parts of me, too. But, I feel that it would be better for me to embrace a stronger attitude than to succumb to the sadness and punyness (I don't think that's a word, but whatever...). I feel that strength in me, I know it's there, I can almost grasp it. So, I'll let it arrive when it wants, and I will be ready to grab hold of that strong attitude, then let the sadness come, but not stay.

Now, here's what tomrrow will look like:
8:30 access port and lab work
9:00 appt. with Dr. Lee to expand the "breast balloons"
10:15 appt. with Dr. Shah, not sure why, but I have a couple of questions, so it'll be good
1:30 report to chemo room (5th floor of MD Anderson) to get ready. What that means I have no idea.
2:00 start chemo, to be administered through the port
5:00 be finished and go home

Now, I'll take a little time to give you a quick description of what my treatment will be like. Quit reading now if you are not interested. I'm writing about it for those of you who are curious, like I would be.

*1st, I have a lidocane cream that I have to apply to my port site an hour before it is accessed. It is to numb the skin so the needle (which I HATE, still) will not hurt as it is accessed.
*Also, an hour before treatment starts, I am to take an anti-nausea med called compazine. I will alternate that every 4 hours with ativan until I feel better which could be 6 hours or 4 days!! "They" keep telling me everyone is different.
* I also have separate prescriptions for each of the following heartburn, constipation, diarrhea. Seriously??? How is it possible these can happen simultaneously???
And those are all to be prepared for the effect of the chemo treatments!!

*The 2 meds that will be infused during actual treatment are Taxotere (side effects: lower immune system, nausea, diarrhea, feeling tired, hairloss, etc, etc) and Cytoxan (side effects: headache, nausea, hairloss). Fun, huh? This will be done over a 3 hour period every 21 days (9/4, 9/23, 10/14, 11/4) at the hosptial via my port.

*To add to the fun of all that, the weeks in between chemo, I will be getting shots of Neulasta (side effects: headache, constipation, severe bone pain) to help reproduce white blood cells.

Sounds like a barrel of laughs, right? But please don't feel sorry for me, please!! I am OK. People feeling sorry for me is the worst thing about this entire cancer business. Many, many women have been through the same thing that am about to embark upon and made it through, and are probably stronger for it. I will join those women!

much, much love and peace,
monique