It's done, I'm bald

I have had a really bad week, which apparently writing wouldn't help, so I know I've kept some of you out of the loop.

I'll start at the beginning of the week, the advil rotated with tylenol/percocet really, really helped with the bone pain. It was a medical miracle. =) So, since it was working so well, why not stop doing it to see if the pain is still there, right? That was my brilliant idea on Monday. In the words of my high school BFF (ha ha) Julia Roberts "BIG MISTAKE, BIG" (from Pretty Woman). Immediately I felt crappy and I started a fever - not good when you are on chemo. So after a couple calls to the on call dr. and various suggestions throughout the week, I made an appt. with the dr. on Friday morning to see what was going on...

well when I woke up Friday I noticed my right "breast" (the one giving me trouble from the get go) was red and very warm. I was very distraught on the way to the doc. I felt stupid that I had not noticed it before then. Plus, I was very concerned about what that would mean. Sure enough, I cried at the dr.'s office! Dr. Lee's PA circled my "boob" with a sharpie, said if the redness moved outside the line to call immediately, then gave me a prescription for 10 days of Levaquen (sp?). She looked a little grave, so I'm concerned.

Then I was sent to have lab work done, which had to be done through my port AND from my arm, as not only are they doing a CBC, etc, they want to get 2 blood cultures. (they want to use some of the stuff from my blood to grow something in the lab - hopefully not Frankenstein or something - for a few days to see if I have something else going on, which of course worries me. But the nurse who drew my blood (the phlebotomist) from my arm was sooo wonderful. Her chi was the most serene and calm I have ever been around. I just wanted to hug her.

To add insult to injury, my hair was coming out in clumps beginning Friday morning! Very pleasant! At work, a friend suggested I a write an email to the staff about staying away from me when I am sick, help to lighten my load by not asking me to do new things, etc. I know all that is good for me, but so much of who I think I am is tied into being "a machine" "the energizer bunny" and my general lack of reaction to germs, so the email was so much harder to send. So Friday was the culmination of just a yucky week. The overwhelming feelings made me wonder if I feel so depressed, am I also being strong? The 2 seem to conflict for me. I mean if I give into the sadness, how am I going to be strong and get better? But if I try to "stay strong" or try to appear strong all the time, it doesn't feel true to me. I'm confused. I felt so depressed the entire week and really into the weekend. Although, I'm not sure how this is possible, but literally I was so happy and so depressed all at the same time all day Saturday.

Our whole family went to Busch Gardens. The girls have never been, they were so excited! And let me just say we have raised those girls right, they wanted to ride every roller coaster and they didn't even need/want us to ride with them!! We rode a few with them, but they were perfectly happy just being 2 little cohorts and "best friends" (even though they would never admit it!) who were satisfied as can be, just being together. That is the part that made me so happy. And I KNOW this is not going to happen, but it made me feel good that if something happens to me that they will be there for each other. And that made me think and feel relieved that I've helped to get them through some of this first developmental stuff and given them a strong base. I know... it's depressing at the same time. As I said, I didn't know it was possible. But that's how I felt the whole day, and whole day was 7:00am to 9:00pm! It was an absolutely wonderful day with my family!! Truly!

But sleeping has been another ballgame all together! I don't know if you know the feeling, but I haven't been able to help feeling like I don't want to been in my own body! Just very fidgetty, discontented, just wanting to be somewhere else. Then, the clumps of hair!!

So I went shopping this morning for Emma's birthday - something I LOVE to do - most moms probably get that, their birthdays are so much fun for which to prepare! Then, as I'm driving home, I'm garnering all my courage to shave my head! I got home and said let's do it! It was an entire family affair. The girls were hesitant at first, but then they got into it! We video taped the whole event! We were laughing and joking. we actually had fun. It's not as smooth feeling as I thought it would be, and my head's colder than I thought it would be, luckily I have a night cap to sleep in already (thanks Jan) but as for the rest of the plan - I got nothing, yet!! Emma was mortified that I went into the driveway with nothing on my head, and poor Skylar has to go to school where I work, so no head cover will not work for her either. If only they weren't tweens! =) I'll figure out something, but until then I think just a bandana will do. Getting to this point was soooo much harder than I thought it would be! Letting the boobs go was a piece of cake compared to the hair, and I usually only wore it in a pony tail anyway!! I'm feeling so much better now. I will start back to eating better and forcing myself to eat even when I don't want to. It's not that I've been eating junk food, I just haven't been eating every meal, and every meal has not been balanced this week. So I'm off to get a steak and a salad! yummy!

much love to you all!

monique