I had no idea what I was talking about!!!! My friends who have survived breast cancer were so kindly supportive during the summer months. Yes, they told me it was hard, but I had no idea! I guess it's like being pregnant or giving birth, until you do it, you have no idea. My depression is pretty overwhelming. That combined with the tiredness is almost too much. And I know it's going to get worse. I have 3 more treatments left, and I am so ready to be past all this. All the side effects of all, I I mean all, the drugs I am taking are crazy. Maybe alone, each would be manageable, but together, well it's just hard. And losing my hair has been so much more difficult than I thought. It's hard to look in the mirror. Now my breasts being gone, as I have mentioned before, does not feel like a big deal to me right now, but I'm guessing when I am recovering from the next surgery, I'll be pretty bitter.
I know there are positives - the best of which is I am going to be fine! This does have a finite end, I'll have a flat tummy, we'll have all learned something, yadda, yadda, yadda
love,
m
Once again I am at a loss for words. I don't honestly think that there are words that can make things better and I think that is okay. I could say keep your chin up or it will be over soon or many other things, but I have no idea what you're going through. You said its like preganancy - you have to do it to understand it and I do believe that is true.
ReplyDeleteMonique, I will tell you that to my core I do know that you are going to get through this and be cancer free and live your life with your family, pets and friends driving nuts, as we do! I also know that you are and will always be strong. I told you before that strength is not being stoic all of the time, it is sometimes crying like hell and then muddling ahead, even if you don't want to.
I love you Monique, I'm proud of you for all of the wonderful things you have done and will keep doing, and I am so touched that you would open yourself up, like you have and shared your story. Thank you. Everytime I read this, I learn more about cancer, treatments, but my favorite part, is simply hearing your voice through your words. Thanks.
Monique,
ReplyDelete"Sister",
You CAN do this, but give yourself permission to be as whiny as you want. You are entitled to all you want and more!
Hang on. It will be a memory, and you'll be better than ever!
Jan
Mo freak, I know you are so down and I want to just remind you that the 2 am calls are always fine for me if needed. But I want you to know how proud I am of you for being open and honest about HOW you are feeling. You feel crappy and you are able to say it. Covering how you feel right now would be an injustice to you and everyone who loves you. It is good that you can say it like it is, that is a healthy thing you are doing for yourself. I have learned in my life that hiding how you feel does not mean you are any stronger than just laying it out on the line. I am sad for you that you feel the way you do, and as a friend who values you so much I just wish I could fix it for you. You know I'm here, and NO, was not happy that you started to cry before your shot because it is impossible for me to see a friend cry and me not cry for them. But what I did laugh about was how you called yourself a "weenie" afterwards, which is not at all true, but the way you said it just struck me. Upward and onward, I am here and three more treatments closer to the end of bad tasting mouth syndrome. ;-)
ReplyDeleteMonique,
ReplyDeleteYou WILL get through this - right now SUCKS to no end and you should totally be pissed about RIGHT NOW -- and sad and depressed...
What's awesome in the face of all of this, is that you are writing, you are documenting this time period, and you will read back on all of this next year and/or the year after and have a whole different feeling about it all... I know you will feel totally different then -- who knows what? But it will be a bittersweet good feeling that you beat the cancer and fought for your life! There is nothing else anyone can ask of you - so pat yourself on the shoulder - you are doing great and you WILL get through this!
Maybe one of the ways to get through it when you are feeling really down is to ONLY think ahead for the very next day -- think of one thing you want to accomplish for that next day, whether it's to smile, to laugh with someone, to cry for 20 minutes in the bathroom, to hug your girls, whatever... don't think ahead to next week, next month, next year -- there's only today and tomorrow. When you're positive, THEN think of all the things you will do next year! :)
Much love,
Alexia