Last Entry

I know, I know many of you are pretty annoyed that I haven't updated in 2 months, then there are some of you that could care less. But I'm back for my final update. Yep, you heard it my final update. I hope you can surmise from that comment that all is well. If you did that, then you would be correct!!

I had my final of four (5 1/2 total) treatments on Nov. 30 - the day after Thanksgiving break. I took the entire day off (I had not been doing that) and I brought the girls with me - they had never been plus they had their well checks that afternoon. I didn't sleep well the night before, I tossed and turned, apparently a little nervous. I was not as exuberant as one would think. The next morning Arthur left for work and would then meet us there later. The girls and I got in the car to leave, late as usual, and my car would not start. Thanks to my cousins Ken and Michelle, we were able to get a ride downtown to ye ole' MD Anderson Cancer Center. I arrived in time to get my port accessed (easiest time yet despite my nervousness) and my labs drawn. Then it was off to see Dr. Shaw - my oncologist. She comes in gives me her usual hug, says "everything looks great, here's your prescription for Tamoxifin, here's your prescription to have your port removed, and I'll see you in 6 months!" Now, I was expecting this to some extent because her PA told me three weeks ago that this is how it would go, but still.... a little shocking. No scans?? No MRIs?? No ultrasounds?? " Nope," she says, "the cancer is gone. It has been gone, this was a systemic prophylactic to be safe! You are fine!!" Crazy, huh?? I got a little teary - it felt similar to way you felt when you were told you could leave the hospital right after your first child is born - unsure and scary!! But I got another hug and was reassured I could call for anything, but that really, I was fine!!

On to my last chemotherapy session! Yippee, right!! Arthur, Chris and the girls were there. It went smoothly and quickly. When I was done, I was able to "ring the bell" - something, I gather, many chemo units do when a patient is done with treatment. I was also give a little certificate signed by all the nurses. i get to the car and I have a lovely framed picture drawn by Emma and a beautiful bouquet of flowers!

After all that hullabaloo, the girls, Arthur, Chris and I headed to lunch. We arrive at lunch and a bunch of my friends are there to greet me bearing various cards and little treats! It was so nice - a wonderful surprise! A great day all the way around!!

Now on to why I was so nervous, etc. The effects of the treatments, I was told, would be cumulative. And I really noticed that after my 3rd treatment. I have never thrown up (unbelievable, right??), but my tummy didn't feel right, my mouth sores were a little worse, things tasted weird, TMI warning - and diarrhea was absolutely terrible!!!!! Not to mention my eye brows had finally thinned out and I had three eye lashes left. This may be inappropriate, but except for my body fat I looked like a concentration camp survivor. So, I wasn't really looking forward to this last treatment. I was worried I would just feel so bad. And maybe it was about time, but still I wasn't happy about it.

But guess what, a chemotherapy miracle, I truly haven't felt that bad these last 3 weeks. Of course, that taste thing sucks, mouth sores aren't great, but no tummy issues except for the -TMI Warning - the diarrhea. But once I took the meds for that it stopped it right away!! I honestly think my doctor is the best doctor in the whole world!! She is amazing. When I think back to the few memories I have of my own mother being so sick and weak so much of the time during her treatments, I just feel so sad for her and I feel so lucky.

On to that topic. I know I should feel lucky, and I truly do feel lucky, but damn if I am not pissed that I got this in the first place!!!! It's like being in jail and having a private, nice clean cell but being wrongly convicted in the first place!! I am really mad about all this. I don't remember feeling really pissed off before, but I sure am now. I'm mad it happened to me and my family and friends - because it did happen to all of us!! I mad they don't have a cure for it. And many of you have heard me say this before and it may sound sexist, but I really believe that if men were losing testicles at the rate women are losing breasts (1 in 8 women!!!!) there would be a cure by now. I am sorry if I have offended any of you, but in my conspiracy-theory mind I can't help but think doctors, pharmaceutical companies, etc, etc are making a too much money to find a cure. That said, I do not see my self becoming a breast cancer activist. Anyway, I digress. As we all know, underneath my anger is really just sadness. I will have to deal with that. I think I have been so busy "fighting the fight" that I have forgotten to be sad. But it is there, and I will have to move through it. But at my own pace.

My baldness has effected me so much more than I thought it would. It really depresses me. I have thought of myself as someone who didn't care too much about how I looked as evidenced by the fact that I rarely spend much time fixing and adjusting how I look. I have tried to feel comfortable in my skin and with how I look. I think deep down I have cared more than I wanted to admit, but still, this is how I have tried to live my life since even before highschool. But...this being bald business has really rocked my world. And now with few eyebrows and eye lashes, I can barely look in the mirror. I have no desire to try to dress-up or look nice. I hate to have my picture taken. It is just a tough row to hoe, and I never thought it would be! Boy, what we don't know!!!! As of this moment though, my hair is beginning to get fuzzy. Arthur, affectionately, was singing "ch, ch, ch, chia" as he said my head is beginning to look like a Chia Pet. I know, hilarious!! I read hair is supposed to grow at the rate of 1/2 per month. Keep your fingers crossed. I am preparing myself for my hair to grow in thicker than it was, curlier than it was, and all gray, hence my moral dilemma of accepting myself for who I am and being totally gray at 44 or dye it?? We'll see what happens.

As for follow-up treatment plan, I will have my port taken out by my surgeon, Dr. Smith, on Dec. 27 in an office procedure. Ii will start the Tamoxifin (sp?) after the new year. I will take it for 5 years, and Dr. Shaw has warned me that the hot flashes can be brutal, but all in all it's not too bad. I will be taking this med because the type of cancer I had was "estrogen + and progesterone + " which means the presence of estrogen and progesterone effects cancer in a negative way (the cancer responds to it), so the less estrogen I have the better. But the draw backs are increased risk of ovarian cancer, especially after I turn 60. But that type of cancer is a very slow growing and an easily visible cancer so my yearly gyn appts will be even more important now. I will see Dr. Shaw every 6 months. I assume she will be doing lab/blood work at these appointments to check all kinds of things but especially liver function and white blood cell counts. I may have written this in the past, but if breast cancer comes back it will usually come back in the liver, lungs, bones, or brain. Don't worry, I am not too worried because everything looks really good and I really have a lot of faith in Dr. Shaw.

Finally, my reconstruction surgery with Dr. Lee will be right as soon as school is out. That will be an 8 hour surgery, followed by a 1 week hospital stay then a 6 week recovery so the summer made the most sense to do it. So by the fall, after my "extreme make-over (new boobs, flat belly, some hair) I will be feeling like a million bucks and will be excited to get back into my high heels and some decent, professional clothes for school!! I may blog a little then to keep people updated. We'll see.

Now, as to why I stopped blogging. First, everything was going so well, it just felt trite to keep writing the same thing "I'm fine, all is well." Secondly, I don't think I've been doing a lot of processing the last few weeks, so I didn't really need to do it for that reason. As I said, I think I have put off some of that processing - anger and sadness - until now. And finally, honestly (which is what I have tried to be at every step) I began to feel like for some of you hearing every detail was too much and was causing too much stress or sadness or anger. I could hear it in some of your responses and, again honestly, it was too much for me to deal with. I didn't and don't have the mental energy to make anyone feel better about me having cancer except for my beautiful girls. I was/am fighting the fight and I just couldn't be a support to anyone but me and the girls. These statements weren't intended to make anyone feel bad about their feelings or anything like that. I just had to honestly tell you all - my peeps - why I stopped writing for a while. I am so sorry to have worried some of you.

But all is well in the Foister home. I feel like, to some extent, I can close this chapter of my life. And I'm not too sad about that!

Thank you all for your wonderful support, words and thoughts and prayers of encouragement and love. It all helped me to get through this craziness. But i've made it to the other side now, so please know you are all so much appreciated!!

I love you!

Much peace and love,

monique

Delightful evening

Saturday evening Arthur and I were invited to a wonderful friend's daughter's wedding (yes, we're getting that old - and in light of things I should add, thankfully!) Anyway, I was concerned as the weeks drew nearer that the timing may not be good due to having had chemo on the Monday of the week of the wedding, but all went well. (Everytime I say this, I get a jolt of nerves due to the fact that I am scared to jinx myself, although I should just give the irrational superstitions a rest!)

Anyway, in addition to being nervous about the effects of chemo on the wedding day, I was also very concerned about what I was going to wear. As I have written, and hopefully expressed, I am very self-conscious about being bald. I feel very anxious and stressed about it most of the time - expect, maybe when I am at home. You know how I feel about the wig situation, so I have just been wearing bandanas every day. Obviously that wouldn't do at a wedding! Luckily, while Arthur and I were at the dr. last week, I found a cute little knit hat. I may have written about this already.

Anyway, I got dressed, put on make-up ("too much" in the words of Skylar), and put on my hat. I was not a happy girl when I 1st looked in the mirror - which I typically avoid at all cost. So I was a little weiner-ish on the way to the wedding. Trying to keep it together, but on the verge of tears. Arrived at the beautiful setting for the wedding and all my friends were so nice to me, "oh you look great" etc, etc. I truly had a very difficult time accepting these sweet, and I feel, heartfelt comments. I just can't believe I feel so emotional about this baldness business!!!! My whole life I have tried to live as if it was the inner beauty that mattered the most. Hair, make-up, clothes, plastic surgery, etc. didn't matter. Have I been a hypocrite all my life???? What lessons am I unknowingly teaching the girls?? This is all very concerning for me and one that I will need to continue to ponder.

But as the evening wore on, as I listened to the beautiful wedding ceremony - and cried and held Arthur's hand - then was a part of a lovely cocktail hour, then a truly amazing reception, dinner, toasts, dancing, flowers, cake, good company of wonderful friends, I started to feel better. And finally, on my last trip to the bathroom, on the way out, I was actually able to look in the mirror and think maybe I didn't look so bad. It was not a thought full of confidence, but it was a thought that crossed my mind, and although it is sad, it also made me a little happy.

(Afterword: - as soon as I got in the car, I ripped that little crocheted hat off because my bald, fat, beginning to be grey head was sweating!!)

much peace,

m

Friday afternoon

Home from work and a little down.

I really love working - it's amazing how much work takes my mind off things. I am thankful that I'm able to keep working, and I'm hoping I will be able to continue along this path. The busyness at work really keeps me focused. And I feel so productive. I know how to feel busy and stay busy which is the blessing of work. At home there is not quite as much to do. That might make some balk, and I know there are so many things to do at home, but home is where I should be relaxing and sleeping, and resting - and it is soooo much more difficult than one would think. My doll house has seen some work, and I've picked up reading again - Freedom by Jonathan Franzen, and my new quilt has motivated me to pick up the girls' quilts again. (I'll explain that in another post for those that don't know about the quilts I'm making for the girls). But mostly I feel like I should be up doing all the normal home and family things. But the resting needs to take priority.

Skylar and Emma each have two friends spending the night, so it's fun to hear them all down stairs. It's so much easier as they get older - with regards to having friends over to our house! Lots of junk food and they should be good to go!

peace,

m

Wig shop & chemo

1st let me tell you about the wig shop. Arthur and I went to the nice wig shop to which we had been recommended. It was fine - it had the synthetic machine sewn, synthetic hand sewn, and the real hair wigs. These ranged in price from $325 to $1200. I tried on 2 of the hand stitched synthetic wigs ($399 - which insurance would reimburse - I have a prescription :) ) Anyway, they looked more real than I was expecting. My fear has always been that I didn't want to look like a poor cancer patient with a bad wig. I guess I never really knew there were good wigs because you don't know they are wigs! Now, all that in mind, as depressed as I am about my baldness, the wigs did not make me feel one tiny bit better! Reality is, everyone who knows me, knows I'm bald, and those that don't why would I care?? To quote myself from college (remember, Sharin?) "I don't have to impress jack shit!" So there you have it - no wig form me. At a completely different place, I found a cute little hat to wear to a wedding this weekend, as my bandanas just won't do! So I feel really good about that!

Next Chemo was yesterday. Port accessed at 9:45 ish, labs drawn, chemo - only for 1 1/2hours. Arthur and Chris both came to keep me company. Then we went to lunch and back up to see Dr. Shah. My echocardiagram that I had a couple weeks ago was just to get a baseline. All looks fine. The drug I am on - adrymicin - can cause heart problems immediately and/or can cause congenital heart problems down the road. But....those things happened much more frequently in the past, the drug has been tweaked and the doses have been much better adjusted, so I'm OK with it all.

Finally, today I went to have my Neulasta shot - the one that increases white blood cell production. It was a little more painful than the last time, but I made it through. I'm feeling better about the management of it this time, too, so I should be good to go.

That's all for now, except I'n still reeling in my new quilt! I've carried it everywhere for the last 2 days, hospital, school, home to bed, back to school, to the hospital, back to my room! I LOVE IT!!

peace & love,

m

My Quilt!

Thursday

Thursday went very well. I was expanded - which means Dr. Lee's nurse, Hallie, injected a huge syringe full of saline in each "breast." If I haven't explained it before, I will now - the expanders I have in each "breast" are the large pancake shaped things (but thicker) made of something like plastic - but not. Anyway, each expander has an access point made of metal. To expand me, they use this little tool with a magnet on it to find where the access point is - once they find it, they press down and it makes a little x, so they insert the needle into the middle of the x. And, since there is no feeling in my breasts, it doesn't even hurt.

Hallie thinks I am about as full as I need to be based on the amount of tummy fat (aka flab) I have. I will see Dr. Lee the 1st week of Dec. Some of you may know I was wanting to do the reconstruction surgery during Thanksgiving break, then recover through the 1st weeks of Dec and winter break. But...I have come to terms with the fact that this is not to be. I'm not even done with chemo until Nov. 29, and I probably should give my body some time to heal and recover. So it looks like - if all goes well - I will have reconstruction surgery the 1st week of June, then have the summer to recover. This week Hallie will be looking for June dates for me. Originally I wanted everything done and over with in 2010, but the reality is that doctors, tests, keeping an eye out for cancer will all continue to be a part of my life for the next few years. I am beginning to accept that. I can actually sit here and think about it and type it and not be depressed about it - that's a good thing and that's progress!

After my appt. I waited around the hospital (ate dinner, read, etc ) for the breast cancer support group that night. It went fine. There were only 4 of us there plus the counselor who led the group, but it was good. I was able to verbalize the fact that - and I know this is sad - I don't like to look in the mirror, I don't even like to walk past one. It makes me sad. Being bald has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I feel like I look like a Holocaust survivor. That may be in poor taste to compare, but that's what I see when I look in the mirror. ( I know I should see GI Jane - but that is not where I am at about my hair yet!!) Not to mention that my head is not smooth and it does not have baby fuzz! It is prickly!! The final insult is that it all looks grey and silver. And thinking about it all coming back grey thrusts me into a dilemma of principles: do I let my hair take its natural course and embrace what life has presented to me ? OR do I color it as soon as possible since I'm only 43? This is just me thinking aloud - please don't feel like you have to weigh in on the matter. I still have quite a while anyway to ponder it.

So tonight is Sunday and I just got back from dinner with a group of my friends. We are all moms and have been going out to dinner together for about 10 years now! When we talk about going out, we call it Mom's Night Out (MNO). This group of wonderful women presented me with the most beautiful quilt. I'm going to try to add a photo here in a minute. It is simply beautiful!! Each woman designed, cut, pieced, and pressed a square. Each square has a specific meaning to us as a group and to me personally. The quilt was finished and quilted by one of the women's (Sarah) mom - who is an expert quilter. I can only attempt to express my gratitude, appreciation, and love to this amazing group of women - Sarah, Lindsey, Kristine, Dianne, Serie, Carolyn, Jeanette, Liz, Kyle, Chris, and Rhissa. THANK YOU. I am truly touched by this amazing gesture! And, by the way, I LOVE THE QUILT!!

Tomorrow is chemo # 3 and all should go well. Arthur will be coming with me and Chris may meet us there. I plan on going back to work afterward. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I should feel fine tomorrow and Tuesday, then it will be down hill from there until early next week. But I have all my meds set and ready to go, so I'll be fine!

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

Much love and peace to you all,

m

Feeling good

I may be getting the hang of this chemo regime. I am feeling just great, and I did over the weekend, too. My only issue are the couple of sores left in my mouth. Things taste a little strange, but overall it was much worse a last week. I am anticipating a good rest of the week. Keep your fingers crossed. Then, my next treatment will be next Monday. Based on last time, I hope to feel OK on Monday and Tuesday, then, I am guessing, the rest of the week will be down hill through that weekend, then, hopefully I feel an upswing again.

I went to see the social worker at the hospital tonight and I had some big "a-ha moments" and it felt great. It is amazing how much I learned in 50 minutes! I guess all my years of counseling have paid off. :) I was very encouraged by what she told me about the girls. After I shared with her what was going on with them (how they were doing in school - great, how they were sleeping - normal, how they are when it comes to chores - a pain, how they react to me - the same as before my diagnosis) she said they sounded like regular pre-teens with hormones starting to show themselves, and that I shouldn't be too worried about the cancer and its effects on them. That was a load off my mind and heart. She also gave me a really cool journal with guided questions, and it was written by a survivor. I'm excited to get started in it.

Thursday of this week I have an appt. with Dr. Lee to get expanded, and then that night I am going to my 1st breast cancer support group at the hospital. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Finally I want to thank you all for all your kinds thoughts, guestures, prayers and good energy!! I really do feel it.
love and peace,
m

Another good day

I slept great again last night. And again I woke up to fresh air and blue skies! It was fantastic! But...Skylar came in this morning saying her tummy hurt. I didn't press her for the particulars, instead I just told her to get in bed and we'd stay home. Honestly, I think she just needed a mental health day even though I'm not sure this 12 yr. old can express that. She and I have not been getting along so well since Sunday, so I think we both needed to reconnect and have some stress free time together. And that's exactly what kind of day we had. We had a fantastic morning, no TV, we looked at books, cuddled (a little), played a game, talked. Just had a great time!!

Then Rhissa and Chris showed up (un-beknowest to me - but pre-arranged with Arthur, although he didn't know we were home) to straighten up the house, provide us dinner, bringing lots of fresh fruit, which is easy for me to eat, and beautiful fresh flowers! What a wonderful surprise! I love my friends!!

As for me physically, I'm doing great. I'm off most to the chemo-time meds, just down to my few regulars. My mouth doesn't taste too bad. Overall, a wonderful day - and it was much needed!!

peace and love to you all,

m

A better day

OK, everyone stop worrying - I'm fine. I think, judging by the phone calls, that I freaked everyone out by my last post.

I had a really good day today. I woke up to my curtains open and fresh air blowing around my room. That was a treat! We have had the windows open for 2 days now, and hopefully we can keep them open for the rest of the week. The weather has been perfect at night! I love it!
Oh and I slept very well last night!! Those 2 things combined made for a great day!

Once I get home from work, I all of a sudden feel exhausted, but I guess that's just fine. I'll take it.

Please don't worry. I KNOW I'm going to be fine.
peace & love,
m

I had no idea...

I was thinking back to this summer when I was all gung ho and positive. I thought the depression I felt then was the worst it could get. I thought I could kick chemotherapy's ass! I was convinced that I was invincible. I thought losing my breasts and my hair were no big deal compared with staying alive.

I had no idea what I was talking about!!!! My friends who have survived breast cancer were so kindly supportive during the summer months. Yes, they told me it was hard, but I had no idea! I guess it's like being pregnant or giving birth, until you do it, you have no idea. My depression is pretty overwhelming. That combined with the tiredness is almost too much. And I know it's going to get worse. I have 3 more treatments left, and I am so ready to be past all this. All the side effects of all, I I mean all, the drugs I am taking are crazy. Maybe alone, each would be manageable, but together, well it's just hard. And losing my hair has been so much more difficult than I thought. It's hard to look in the mirror. Now my breasts being gone, as I have mentioned before, does not feel like a big deal to me right now, but I'm guessing when I am recovering from the next surgery, I'll be pretty bitter.

I know there are positives - the best of which is I am going to be fine! This does have a finite end, I'll have a flat tummy, we'll have all learned something, yadda, yadda, yadda

love,

m

An update

Holy cow, I just re-read my last post, I made a million errors!!

Anyway, Thursday went well - Rhissa met me at the Dr. Lee's office and for my Neulasta shot.

The shot went great!!!!!! I was able to rub some of the prescription cream (emula) on to the site where I was getting the shot, and what a miracle that was!! I had already teared up in anticipation (which made Rhissa none too happy =) ) and then next thing you know it was done!!

Then I head over to Dr. Lee and get the good news that my infection is getting better!! Yippee! No expansion, but I just need to finish the antibiotics and he'll expand me next Thursday. The expansion (s) aren't that incredibly important since the skin is well saved, but he just wants me to get to the size I want to be before surgery - which who knows when that'll be. I'm beginning to wrap my brain around it maybe being next summer. I met a parent at school who has had the same surgery I will have but it was performed by Lee's partner, Dr. Klein. She is very happy with it.

As for some of the chemo/Neulasta side effects this week - luckily, no "bone pain" so far!! I've taken a couple of advil (which I'm not supposed to be taking on a regular basis unless I'm in major pain or want to prevent it) here and there as preventative, but all in all it has been great! Keep your fingers crossed! But let me tell you, the nasty taste in my mouth is, well, I'm over it!! It's like the worst bad breath you ever had times 10! It's not metallic, it's just gross! So for the last 4 days, I've been trying to eat to get rid of the taste, which sucks, because I'm not really that hungry and very little is appealing to me and my tummy right now. I'm not nauseous, I am just really food sensitive right now - like when I was pregnant (which I AM NOT), I couldn't look at or think about certain foods. It's weird. As for my bald head, I'm not real happy about that either - it feels prickly and pokey, not soft and fuzzy like baby hair!! And, how's this for strange, the back of my head and neck get so hot at night, I actually sweat to the point where my pillow is damp!! I can't sleep on my belly (the "boobs" hurt), and my sides are only so-so comfortable. But on the up side, I think I have shaved my legs for the last time for a long while! It's been 5 days and still smooth as a baby's butt! And, in that same vein, I may have had my last period, ever. Maybe. I need to ask Dr. Shah, but I'm guessing since the cancer was estrogen positive that the chemo may be starting to put me into menopause already. I was thinking all that wouldn't happen until she put me on tamoxifin (sp?) after all the treatment, but who knows??

AS for my emotional/mental health right now - it could be better. Work has been a saving grace - really, my link to my sanity right now. The weekends are hard because I don't have much to distract me from my own mind. Then there is the wanting to do things but getting tired. Arthur had to go out of town this weekend and I can't believe what a hard time I have had being here alone with the girls, the house, the dogs, etc. I was a mess earlier tonight!! I'm used to being very independent, and I feel so the opposite of that right now. I used to love the chance to have a weekend with the girls and me alone, but now, everything is different. Let's hope I can get back to the old me when all of this is done! Does it really happen, the old me will come back?

Speaking of done, I guess that has been my biggest mental challenge (I know there is room for many comments here) this week, is already getting frustrated and wanting all this to be DONE!!!!! But, I know, I know, patience patience!

I have an echocardiogram scheduled for today to check my heart. This won't be a big deal, I just hope my heart is in good shape!! I will try to think positive while I try to fall asleep.

As you can tell from the last couple of entries, I'm pretty down. I know I shouldn't apologize to you out there for that, but I can't help myself - I am sorry you've only been reading negative lately. I am truly having a hard time rallying a positive attitude. I know a positive outlook will help me, etc, etc, But from there, I get sucked into this crazy cycle of "I need to be positive, I'm not positive, oh no I'm not going to get better because I don't have a positive attitude, I need to be positive, ..." Maybe I should join a group, huh?? Not sure why I haven't done it yet.

much love and peace,

m

I Chemo #2

OK, I was suppossed to go for chemo on Thursday along with dr. appts with 3 different doctors.



*Dr. Lee wanted to check on the breast infection,which is still there, so he kept me on the Levaquin and added Bactrim, together pretty powerful antibiotics. I need to keep eating my yogurt! if the infection doesn't go away by next week, it might lead to hospitalization and IV antibiotics. Worst case would be if that didn't work, then the expanders would have to be removed. But I'm trying to stay calm and positive.



*Dr. Shah just wanted to check in with me. I'm not sleeping great or eating too well, but overall not too terribley bad.

*Dr. Lohta (oncological internist) said I didn't need to see him. (thank goodness).

*Dee (Ott's mom) and I met Chrsi for a lesuirely lunch, which made me 1/2 late for chemo!! Not a great start, plus I did not have my lab work done yet. So off to what turned out to be a little crazy day! I got my 2 , (you read it right, 2) anti-nausea drips, plus I had to take my oral one. Then they started the taxotere, which they dip very slowly to look for reaction - ususally the 1st or 2nd treatment. Sure enough, I felt a little trouble breathing - a weird feeling, like my chest was tight, but it made me cough a little. So I told the nurse. She very calmly turned of the iv drip, and said a few people would be coming into help her. OK, seriously, like 8 nurses coming walking with a strong sense of urgency asking what patient?? They each had a very specific duty; blood pressure, oxygen, pulse/ox, callin Dr. Shah, etc, etc. I stayed calm and of course started making jokes, prompting a nurse to ask Dee why I was making jokes. Anyway, they pushed a bunch of benadryl, watched me for an hour, and sent me on my way with no chemo!! I was very disappointed thinking that the only "good chemo" now can't be used on me, etc, etc.

*Dr. Shah called me before 8 am the next morning with news that she had decided to change me to adriamycin - a ver old drug that does have some cardiac risks along with it. I got little teary, as my own mother died of actual heart failure from chemo therapy, but that was 30 years ago and I don't even know if it was the same drug! Still, old traumas die hard! Anyway, Dr. Shah wants me to saty as close to schedule as possible, so she put me in for Monday a.m. with an echocardigram scheduled for next Monday.

**All went well on Monday, no reactions and a much shorter chemo time, as they can run both drugs together. They upped the anti-nasuea meds by adding 3 more! I gues the ardiamycin is such pretty nasty stuff. It's Wed. pm and so far so good! I have been taking the meds religiously, although you need a friggin' PhD just to figure out the 17 different medicenes I'm on right now!!!

**Work is going well, and I had an exceptionally good day, today! I work with so many great people who are so caring and willing to help, it really is great. Although there is a litle evidence of mouse poopy on my windowsill, s let's hope we can get rid of that bad boy before it runs across my foot and gives me a real heart attack!

**Tomorrow (Thursday) I go in for the wonderful Neulasta shot and for expansin by Dr. Lee. Hopefully the infection in the breast is gone and all with go well. please cross your fingers, do the voodoo, say a prayer, send a good wish or vibe - whatever it is you all out there do. I could really use it tomorrow!!

Please excuse all the typos, I'm not editing tonight as I had a rough night with my oldest child and she has worn me down!!

much lve and peace to you al
m

It's done, I'm bald

I have had a really bad week, which apparently writing wouldn't help, so I know I've kept some of you out of the loop.

I'll start at the beginning of the week, the advil rotated with tylenol/percocet really, really helped with the bone pain. It was a medical miracle. =) So, since it was working so well, why not stop doing it to see if the pain is still there, right? That was my brilliant idea on Monday. In the words of my high school BFF (ha ha) Julia Roberts "BIG MISTAKE, BIG" (from Pretty Woman). Immediately I felt crappy and I started a fever - not good when you are on chemo. So after a couple calls to the on call dr. and various suggestions throughout the week, I made an appt. with the dr. on Friday morning to see what was going on...

well when I woke up Friday I noticed my right "breast" (the one giving me trouble from the get go) was red and very warm. I was very distraught on the way to the doc. I felt stupid that I had not noticed it before then. Plus, I was very concerned about what that would mean. Sure enough, I cried at the dr.'s office! Dr. Lee's PA circled my "boob" with a sharpie, said if the redness moved outside the line to call immediately, then gave me a prescription for 10 days of Levaquen (sp?). She looked a little grave, so I'm concerned.

Then I was sent to have lab work done, which had to be done through my port AND from my arm, as not only are they doing a CBC, etc, they want to get 2 blood cultures. (they want to use some of the stuff from my blood to grow something in the lab - hopefully not Frankenstein or something - for a few days to see if I have something else going on, which of course worries me. But the nurse who drew my blood (the phlebotomist) from my arm was sooo wonderful. Her chi was the most serene and calm I have ever been around. I just wanted to hug her.

To add insult to injury, my hair was coming out in clumps beginning Friday morning! Very pleasant! At work, a friend suggested I a write an email to the staff about staying away from me when I am sick, help to lighten my load by not asking me to do new things, etc. I know all that is good for me, but so much of who I think I am is tied into being "a machine" "the energizer bunny" and my general lack of reaction to germs, so the email was so much harder to send. So Friday was the culmination of just a yucky week. The overwhelming feelings made me wonder if I feel so depressed, am I also being strong? The 2 seem to conflict for me. I mean if I give into the sadness, how am I going to be strong and get better? But if I try to "stay strong" or try to appear strong all the time, it doesn't feel true to me. I'm confused. I felt so depressed the entire week and really into the weekend. Although, I'm not sure how this is possible, but literally I was so happy and so depressed all at the same time all day Saturday.

Our whole family went to Busch Gardens. The girls have never been, they were so excited! And let me just say we have raised those girls right, they wanted to ride every roller coaster and they didn't even need/want us to ride with them!! We rode a few with them, but they were perfectly happy just being 2 little cohorts and "best friends" (even though they would never admit it!) who were satisfied as can be, just being together. That is the part that made me so happy. And I KNOW this is not going to happen, but it made me feel good that if something happens to me that they will be there for each other. And that made me think and feel relieved that I've helped to get them through some of this first developmental stuff and given them a strong base. I know... it's depressing at the same time. As I said, I didn't know it was possible. But that's how I felt the whole day, and whole day was 7:00am to 9:00pm! It was an absolutely wonderful day with my family!! Truly!

But sleeping has been another ballgame all together! I don't know if you know the feeling, but I haven't been able to help feeling like I don't want to been in my own body! Just very fidgetty, discontented, just wanting to be somewhere else. Then, the clumps of hair!!

So I went shopping this morning for Emma's birthday - something I LOVE to do - most moms probably get that, their birthdays are so much fun for which to prepare! Then, as I'm driving home, I'm garnering all my courage to shave my head! I got home and said let's do it! It was an entire family affair. The girls were hesitant at first, but then they got into it! We video taped the whole event! We were laughing and joking. we actually had fun. It's not as smooth feeling as I thought it would be, and my head's colder than I thought it would be, luckily I have a night cap to sleep in already (thanks Jan) but as for the rest of the plan - I got nothing, yet!! Emma was mortified that I went into the driveway with nothing on my head, and poor Skylar has to go to school where I work, so no head cover will not work for her either. If only they weren't tweens! =) I'll figure out something, but until then I think just a bandana will do. Getting to this point was soooo much harder than I thought it would be! Letting the boobs go was a piece of cake compared to the hair, and I usually only wore it in a pony tail anyway!! I'm feeling so much better now. I will start back to eating better and forcing myself to eat even when I don't want to. It's not that I've been eating junk food, I just haven't been eating every meal, and every meal has not been balanced this week. So I'm off to get a steak and a salad! yummy!

much love to you all!

monique

Pain, pain go away...

OK last night was awful! This bone pain business sucks! Seriously!! There is no way to sit, lay down to ease the pain. So all I did while I was in bed was toss and turn and cry. When I finally got up, as I mentioned, I took a hot, hot bath that helped for about a minute. So after writing, I took some tylenol and tried to get back in bed. Again, I tossed and turned and cried.

I'm not sure everyone is like this, but, and I'm not sure I'll be able to express it well in words, but the intense pain I felt brought me to such a primal place that all I wanted was my mom to take care of me. I wanted her to be up and awake and rubbing my legs, or getting me water, or holding me. I know that sounds crazy if you don't get those same feelings. But I was thinking about if this were one of the girls (God forbid!!!!) and what I, as their mom, would be doing to try to comfort them. And that's what I wanted. So the crying was absolutely because of the pain, but it was also because I didn't have that. Then, I started thinking about Jen, and thinking how upset she will be when she finds out that the day after she leaves is when the shit hits the fan, so to speak!!

Arthur was sweet when I got back in bed and rubbed my hips and lower back, and that was the only way I was able to fall back asleep, which was well after 4:00a.m. I know he didn't get too much sleep either, and I feel bad about that, but I am glad he was there.

In the morning, I was still in pain, but I was able to take the Allegra and get myself off to work. I figured being at home in pain with no relief was worse than being at work where I could sort of take it easy and be distracted from what I was feeling. I did find out from the nurse that I can alternate advil (or aleve) with the tylenol - thank goodness!! Those are anti-inflammatories, so they should help. And I have a plan for tonight. I have taken aleve already. I will be able to take a percocet at 9:00. I will also take a little benadryl to help me sleep. Then I will be able to wake at 1:00 or so to take so advil and benadryl. So although on one hand I am dreading trying to sleep, on the other hand I am confident in my plan! And the silver lining to all this is that the Neulasta is working - doing it's job of major production of white blood cells - and that's a very good thing!!

Looking forward to a lovely breakfast in the morning, and then a great day. Hope the same is true for all of you!

much love and peace,

monique

Neulasta & being "expanded"

My Neulasta shot was Tuesday afternoon, and let me just say it was not pleasant! They need to give it in your fatty tissue (God knows I have lots of that!) so I picked my tummy flab. The needle is tiny, but the drug can't be "pushed" in fast, it has to sort of linger a bit and that hurt!!!! It stung, a lot!! I hate needles anyway, but this particularly sucked! Jen was there holding my hand, and I was totally crying! After the nurse was done, it was fine. No more pain, but after I get "hurt" like that and cry I always feel a little fragile and wimpy, so I was definitely a little down. The nurse said if I was going to feel this wonderful "bone pain" that I've been hearing so much about, it should happen within the 1st 12 hours. They prescribe Allegra for it (Odd, right?) and I could take as a preventative if I wanted. But I felt like there is already so much crap in my body, I'd rather wait and see if I actually feel it. So miracle of miracles, I felt fine when I woke up on Wednesday! I was scared to say it or tell anyone I felt OK because I was scared to jinx myself. I knocked on wood all day! But still, no pain!

Wake up Thursday, same thing, no bone pain - a friggin' headache that I can't seem to get rid of - but no bone pain! I'm a little nervous all day for my appt. with Dr. Lee to be expanded - again the needle is what I dread! We all (Dee, Arthur, Emma, Skylar and me) arrive for my appt at 4:15 to be told Dr. Lee is running 2 hours behind due to an earlier emergency! Crazy, huh? Anyway, we sit and wait. I get called back (only 1 hr and 15 minutes late). His PA removes my stitches that he put in 2 weeks ago. Then she gets out her little magnet finder thingy to find the port in each of the expanders. It's a cool little tool, anyway I am beyond nervous. But, not sure if I've told you this yet, but most of the feeling in my "breasts" is gone, and mercifully, the ports were located in a non-feeling area, so the needle didn't hurt!! Then she attaches a big, fat syringe of saline and pushes it in. I'm choosing not to look, but truly there was no pain!! Now, because the expanders are a little fuller, my muscles are back to being a little more tender, but nothing as bad as I thought it was going to be!! So thank goodness!!

So we all go to dinner, then a trip to Target. At this point I am starting to feel very achy in my legs and lower back, not to mention my friggin' head!!!!!! Anyway, I'm walking slower, maybe even with a little limp. Seriously?? I'm actually considering using one of those Little Amigo thingys they have there to ride around in!! SO THIS is what "bone pain" feels like?? Not so fun. Do you remember when you were a kid, and you would get leg aches or growing pains (or whatever they called them in your family) in your legs? That's what this feels like. I can feel it in my hips and down my femur, which I think is causing my lower back to hurt. I can feel it in my sternum (chest bone) and in my shoulders down to my elbows. I took an Allegra as soon as I got home then took a very hot bath and I was like a different person! A miracle! So I fell asleep pretty easily only to be woken up but this awful pain again at 12:40! So I try the bath again - helps for about a minute - and so here I am at 2:45 in the morning talking to you all!! I can take the Allegra only once a day - poopy, huh?

I might go try to take some tylenol and try to sleep. We'll see...

much love,

monique

Can't sleep

This may ramble, as I'm not really sure what I want or need to write about. But laying in bed trying to sleep is pointless. I don't feel sad. I don't feel hopeless or depressed. I feel some dread at trying to sleep because for the last couple of nights I haven't been able to get comfortable, so the entire night is not restful. So it's a little frustrating.

And maybe, I'm dreading the Neulasta shot tomorrow. As I mentioned earlier, the shot is intended to stimulate production of white blood cells at a very high rate, which happens in the bone marrow inside your bones. The result in 80% of patients is "bone pain" in the larger bones like your femur, sternum, and humerus (your bigger bones). But who knows, maybe I'll be in the 20% who doesn't get it!! This particular portion of my treatment is really more of a preventative measure to insure my white blood cell count does not go too low throughout the chemotherapy.

But as I was laying there (is it supposed to be "lying there?" I'm not sure) trying to sleep, my thoughts wander. I was thinking about my sister leaving on Wednesday. I know she has to get back to her life, but I can't help but feel sad. I know the families we create, the people we marry, the children we have are our own, but there is something about our families of origin that makes us feel safe and taken care of. Maybe that's just me and how I feel, maybe everyone doesn't feel that way. But I do. And maybe, since our mom died when we were so young and with Daddy dying just 5 years ago, I feel the connection to my sister as the one last string to someone who has known me longer than anyone and who knows me, really knows me - all the shit and all! - and yet still loves me and wants to take care of me and protect me. And without that I am going to feel lonely and vulnerable. Normally, our separation (she in Seattle, me in Orlando) is manageable, it can be handled. But the fact is I "feel" fragile right now, so that separation will be that much more difficult for me.

I'm not sure where to go from here, where to take this... but I do know she and I were raised by strong people, and we both will be OK. Because in spite of my cancer treatments, she has a lot going on, too. I think I've written about it but her husband will be in Iraq for a year, she'll be a "single" mom of my 5 1/2 yr. old nephew, she is trying to pass her nursing boards and get a job!! So we are both worried about each other, but we will be just fine. We will continue to be a support for each other. We are too enmeshed not to be!

Now, the blessing of Jen and Freddy leaving on Wednesday is that Dee, Arthur's mom arrives the same day!! I am so lucky to have a mother-in-law willing to come and help take care of me. And, as mentioned above, this fragility that I am feeling is not something I am used to. But having someone (Jen and soon, Dee) here to allow me to feel and live that and maybe help to put my bravado to rest a while is a good thing. I think my own family may not see/accept what is happening to me yet or ever??!! Who knows? But I know my pertinaciousness when it comes to continuing with the same routine, kids activities, work schedule, involvement with the girls' classes, not to mention going to the movies with Arthur, etc, etc, has not made it easy for them to see the real seriousness of the chemicals going into my body and the effects those will have on me. So I need to be sure that I am continuing to read and learn about how to keep talking to my family about all aspects of this. And...making sure I let myself just be, the authenticity of how I'm really feeling should (and hopefully will) be the true method for showing them what all this is about.

I just yawned twice, so let's hope sleep will come!

much peace and love,

monique

All's well

Monday morning (OK, afternoon) and I'm feeling good. Headache not gone, but under control. Everything else is just fine! I'm excited to get back to work tomorrow, although at some point during the day I have to get my Neulasta shot, about which I am not excited!!
Anyway, I'm looking forward to being at work. I truly have the best job, and additionally, it is such a good distraction from all this cancer treatment business.
So happy Labor Day everyone!
much peace,
monique

The weekend progresses

Things did not conintue as smoothly as on Thursday and Friday. I'm not sure how to describe how I felt on Friday except to say a little puny, a little fragile. I felt queasy, but no actual throwing up. But I had to keep my mind focused away from that feeling! I also started getting a headache, which could be from a myriad of things. But nonetheless, it didn't feel so good. My sister, angel that she is, purchased 3 massages for me from West Orange Massage, so I was able to get to that appt. and it was wonderful!

Today, my headache was killing me! The queasiness has gone - thank goodness - but the headache is there. Again, it could be sinus, it could be a cycle thing, it could be from my family (ha ha), or it could be from chemo drugs - who's to say? But I did get weepy just trying to figure what mediactions I could take. I know it seems silly, but 3 months, all I had to do was read a med. bottle, or for that matter I mostly knew, if I wanted to take a sinus medication or a tums! Now takes an Act of Congress just to figure out IF I can take a certain medication. Who knew taking something so simple as a friggin' tylenol could be so complicated or would make me cry??

In the end, I was able to take the sinus meds and it has helped some. A member of my Posse, Kyle, came over and rubbed my back, head, and face for a long, long while. Jen, Kyle, and I had a nice visit, and the distraction was definitely good for my headache! I've been able to eat today, much more than yesterday, so that's good, too. I've not had my 3 liters to drink yet today, but I should be able to get it all in.

The following day

I'm here, the day following chemo. So far, and I must be honest, I'm sacred to write all this with fear of jinxing myself, but I'm not nauseous, I don't have itchy skin, I don't have a fever, I still have all my hair (ha ha), I'm hungry, I feel fine. I know, I know, all this can change in an instant or tomorrow or every time I have chemo, but for now, 1 down 3 or 5 more to go!

I was accompanied by my sister all day, which was really comforting, eventhough I kept syaing I'd be fine. Everyone has been so nice from the valet at the Center to the receptionist to the, well, everyone. At the desk, they knew this was my 1st time and they were very sweet about it. After arriving, the day started out a tiny bit nerve racking, and although I had a sweet young lady, she was unable to find my port the first time. Then she mentioned that maybe the port had been turned around, which freaked me out and I started crying. But she got an older woman to come in and did it with no problem. So, my blood work was drawn, the needle left in, and I was ready for later in the day.

Next I went to see Dr. Lee, which by now is no secret that I have a huge crush on him, so he always puts me in a good mood. He said the small infection I had before looks fine and the stitches he added last time looked good as well. He dedcided he'll wait until next week to expand me and take out my stitches at the same time.

My next stop was with Dr. Shah. I think it was just to check with me, go over my blood work from the a.m., see if I had any final questions. This worked out great because I was able to her and her nurse pratictioner, Laura, 3 important final questions; 1st involving if I should take this 1 specific final test to determine if chemo was right for me, 2nd wondering if the chemo drugs get adjusted throughout my treatment and for what reasons, and 3rd how she will determine if I have 4 or 6 treatments. I felt good about the answers to the 1st 2 questions, but the 3rd she seems as if she's leaning towrd the 6 treatments due to my age (being young for all you smart asses out there :) ) . Overall, I was feeling fine, not too nervous.

At this point we went to lunch and dropped Freddy off at Sarah's house for a playdate with Finn and all the Doherty children. (thank you so much, Sarah) He had been a doll all moring, but we thought 3 hours of chemo was too much!

So we went back up to chemo floor. I was called back to room 10 and my nurse was Maggie. She was so nice; smart, informative, explained so much w/o being condescending. She had so much information to share about the meds, side effects, and explained every step along the way as she did it. None of it hurt, it was just like sitting there with an i.v. in. Although I thought I'd get plugged in at 2 and be done at 5, so I'd have a full 3 hours to read or sleep. But in my case, it was, med after med, after med. I think my longest uninterrupted time was about 45 minutes. Overall, it was a perfectly fine experience. I got home feeling perfectly fine. In fact I was in the mood for Sonny's BBQ, so we went over there for dinner. I did fall asleep before 10, and I slept/ stayed in bed until very late today. But if that was chemo or just my regular m.o. who's to say??

Next time, although children are not really allowed in the treatment rooms due to the fact they are little germ carriers, they have said the girls can come by very quickly just to see what is happening with me. I want them to have a visual of what is happening when "mommy is having chemo." I think this may lessen their anxiety. They haven't verbalized any stress, but curiously the night before I had it niether one could sleep and came into our room at different times during the night.

So, so far so good! We'll see how the weekend goes, so keep your fingers crossed! In 20 days I do this all over again! I have a few proceedures inbetween, like getting a neulasta shot Tuesday and I get expanded on Thursday. So I'll update about those as well, and I'll keep updating as the weekend goes on.

Thanks so much, I know I say it often, but truly, all of the support shown to me/us from the incredible meals to the warm thoughts and prayers are truly a lifeline for me. It all means so much!!

peace and love to you all,
monique

Chemo tomorrow

I'm not sure exactly how I am feeling. I was trying to get everything done at work since I'll be out for the next 2 days. That's always hard; there's always that one more thing you want to try to finish. But I'm home now and that's that.

I'm a little nervous, but am focusing on trying to get out of the sad mindset and into the mindset that I am going to kick this chemotherapy's ass! I know I'm doing the chemo to keep me alive longer and to give me peace of mind. And I know the meds are strong for a reason, but I think if I have a strong frame of mind, then I'll feel stronger, and maybe, it won't have such terrible effects on me. Now, I know that doesn't make sense. I realize that the medicene will do it's job, and part of that job, however unintentional, is to cause harm to healthy parts of me, too. But, I feel that it would be better for me to embrace a stronger attitude than to succumb to the sadness and punyness (I don't think that's a word, but whatever...). I feel that strength in me, I know it's there, I can almost grasp it. So, I'll let it arrive when it wants, and I will be ready to grab hold of that strong attitude, then let the sadness come, but not stay.

Now, here's what tomrrow will look like:
8:30 access port and lab work
9:00 appt. with Dr. Lee to expand the "breast balloons"
10:15 appt. with Dr. Shah, not sure why, but I have a couple of questions, so it'll be good
1:30 report to chemo room (5th floor of MD Anderson) to get ready. What that means I have no idea.
2:00 start chemo, to be administered through the port
5:00 be finished and go home

Now, I'll take a little time to give you a quick description of what my treatment will be like. Quit reading now if you are not interested. I'm writing about it for those of you who are curious, like I would be.

*1st, I have a lidocane cream that I have to apply to my port site an hour before it is accessed. It is to numb the skin so the needle (which I HATE, still) will not hurt as it is accessed.
*Also, an hour before treatment starts, I am to take an anti-nausea med called compazine. I will alternate that every 4 hours with ativan until I feel better which could be 6 hours or 4 days!! "They" keep telling me everyone is different.
* I also have separate prescriptions for each of the following heartburn, constipation, diarrhea. Seriously??? How is it possible these can happen simultaneously???
And those are all to be prepared for the effect of the chemo treatments!!

*The 2 meds that will be infused during actual treatment are Taxotere (side effects: lower immune system, nausea, diarrhea, feeling tired, hairloss, etc, etc) and Cytoxan (side effects: headache, nausea, hairloss). Fun, huh? This will be done over a 3 hour period every 21 days (9/4, 9/23, 10/14, 11/4) at the hosptial via my port.

*To add to the fun of all that, the weeks in between chemo, I will be getting shots of Neulasta (side effects: headache, constipation, severe bone pain) to help reproduce white blood cells.

Sounds like a barrel of laughs, right? But please don't feel sorry for me, please!! I am OK. People feeling sorry for me is the worst thing about this entire cancer business. Many, many women have been through the same thing that am about to embark upon and made it through, and are probably stronger for it. I will join those women!

much, much love and peace,
monique

Spirits Lifted

Last Thursday, 8/26, I had an appointment with Dr. Lee so he could start filling (expanding) the empty balloons that are in there right now. These are serving as place holders - for lack of a better word - until reconstruction surgery. I have to go every week until surgery to have them filled with saline. These expanders were placed behind my muscles (my pectorals) and let me tell you it hurts like a mother!! It's getting better, but still!

Anyway, they (his nurse, Hailey, and an intern) saw the beginnings of an infection on the right side, plus they found a tiny spot where the stitches were not all the way closed. It was gross (in a really good way) to watch them get the gross stuff out and clean it. Hailey told me that Dr. Lee would probably want to re-stitch that incision, which freaked me out....until I realized I don't have any feeling there anyway. Finally, I got to see Dr. Lee - he always brightens my day! He is a riot, but warm at the same time. All went well, everything is fixed, but I didn't get expanded. Next Thursday(and every Thursday after that) I will go back to be expanded - which I'm not looking forward to because I can imagine it is not pleasant. But at least I'll be laughing while it's being done.

Arthur and I attended my chemotherapy lesson today. Dr. Shah's nurse (Linda aka Frenchie, seriously) went over all my prescriptions (there are 5) that I will be taking JUST to get through the chemo. I am scheduled to start on Thursday 9/2. It will be 4 to 6 treatments ( I am so hoping for only 4, so keep your fingers crossed) and they will be administered every 21 days. I will have lab work every time I go, which will be done through the port in my upper left chest near the clavicle. Then I will meet with Dr. Shah, then I will head over to the chemo floor at M.D. Anderson. The treatments last 3 hours each.

I will post one more time for Thursday to give all the nitty gritty about what drugs I will be having the side effects (which sound particularly fun) and when you can all expect to see my happy, shiny head.

As for emotions, as may have been noticeable, I have been pretty down since a week ago Friday. As I mentioned, Dr. Lee lifted my spirits for a couple of days, but I guess I'm getting nervous about having all these chemicals put into my body. I have also realized I'm not happy about losing my hair. At first, way back in the beginning of July, I was much more accepting of the idea, but as it gets closer, I am much more freaked out by it than I thought I would be. For those of you that don't know, I'm thinking of going in the Kate Pierson (of The B-52s) red beehive direction with regards to a wig. I DO NOT want to be one of those women with a bad wig and when you walk past people they whisper, "Oh that poor woman has cancer, look at her awful wig." At least an "Oh that poor woman has cancer, but her wig rocks!" would be easier to swallow! I could even break into "Love Shack" or "Rock Lobster" because I'm such a good singer and all.

As for the girls, I think they are doing fine. I need to work at being a little more respectful of them; as I undress in front of them, and they, Emma in particular, gets grossed out(as evidenced by much drama and covering her eyes, etc) by the scars there now (they will eventually look better). But overall, I think they are pretty good. All their teachers know the situation and will be on the look out for anything. I think, for my second treatment, I will bring them to the chemo room and show them everything. By that time, I should start experiencing some of the major side effects, and it may become more real for them.

Arthur and my sister seem to be doing well, too. She, Jen, has a lot going on herself, as she is trying to apply for jobs, study for her boards, and my brother-in-law, Heath, just arrived in Iraq for a year of hardship duty with the State Dept. But none the less, she has been able to keep the house neat and be the goto person for planning meals, etc. These are huge for me. I know it's going to be hard when Jen and Freddy leave. But, I hope she will feel positive and confident about me being OK. And, the day she leaves, Arthur's mom, Dee, arrives for a few weeks, so I'll be in good hands!

in peace,

monique

Back at work

I had a good day today at work. Everyone from my principal to two of the sweetest, best custodians you ever met seemed happy to have me back. That was wonderful! It certainly helped to make my day so great!!

I guess the question is, am I happy to be back at work? And truly, I am. I know giving in to my feelings of utter sadness and laying around in my cave of room is not good for me - I know this!!

Not only that, the idea of being back where I really love to be will have a good effect on me, I know it will. Being around the kids, and MY kid, and the great teachers, and all those books will be positive for me! Not to mention what is good for our family, me being back at work and not taking so many sick days right away.

But...and this is difficult to put into words.

Physically, I feel pretty good, I have some uncomfortableness (is that a word??) in my breast area, as the muscles still feel very tight and stretched (because they are) and my therefore my skin feels a little sensitive right in the place where the muscle is attached to the breast bone. Plus, I have a bunch of skin kind of bunched up under my arms (which has been preserved, so to speak, for my reconstruction) so that feels weird. Then, overall, since I haven't been moving a whole lot for the last couple of weeks, everything feels a little tight and out of shape. But other than those things, I'm fine. Really, I know I'm bitching and I'm sorry for that, but it really isn't too bad.

My biggest issue is emotional/mental (no jokes here, OK?). I'm really struggling with not being as gung ho and enthusiastic and excited as I normally am. I just can't seem to summon all that energy right now. I know, I know I need to go easy on myself and cut myself a break. But it is really hard to do that when you love your job and you know you're pretty good at it and you know kids and teachers are depending on you to do a certain job and do it well. My idea of well is not so close to what I am able to do right now. And I hate that! Plus, just trying to overcome the overwhelming feeling of depression, for lack of a better word, is pretty tough.

Thank goodness, though, the girls, so far are enjoying school and their teachers. Arthur has been great. And having my sister and my nephew here to "hold down the fort" while I'm at school are a blessing!! And all of them are so much appreciated. I wish Skylar and Emma were a little more willing to cuddle and snuggle, granted that would be for my benefit, but their age may be the road block for that. Other than that, my support is just what I need right now, and that makes a world of difference.

much love and peace to you all,

monique

The good and the bad

Sorry for the delay in news - great news - my last pathology report showed no lymph node involvement. That really is fantastic news. The tiny "micro metastasis" (tiny cancer cells) that showed up using a dye during the initial pathology after my 1st surgery only showed up in 2 of all the nodes they checked, so when they took out the next few nodes, there was nothing there at all. So, very good news!!

At the same time they informed me that my reconstruction surgery would be Sept 10, which I immediately started crying, as my sister leaves Sept. 8. All this news brought about a days long depression. It was difficult for me to see the forest for the trees.

The next day we saw my oncologist, Dr. Shah. She shared all kinds of information about the chemotherapy she was recommending. The conflict was whether to do reconstruction 1st or start/finish chemo 1st. Additionally, there was the idea floating around in my head of should I go back to work or not right now. So for a few days, it felt like the decision was mine to make, and, I swear mental energy for anything more than when to go to the bathroom is very hard for me. I felt overwhelmed. To add fuel to the fire, I started reading all the information given to me by Dr. Shah about the drugs I'll be given and chemo in general. One booklet she gave me was "Chemotherapy and You" - I am not lying!! So after reading and reading and looking at all the prescriptions she gave me, including one for a wig, I just lost it. Literally for 3 days, I was crying every time I had a down moment. There was nothing I could think of that did not some how involve me and my cancer. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just felt sad.

Since then a few things have been resolved, I am going to do my chemo 1st. That should take about 4 months. I will write more about it later and fill in all the details I can, but I should start that next week, given nothing changes. I am also starting back to work today. My conflict about that is that I won't be 100%. But, I will love being back and I will do the best I can for right now. Arthur says I should give my self a break. So that's what I'm going to do.

Much love to you all,

monique

Some shout outs

I have been meaning to do this for some time now and haven't had the chance, but I wanted to publicly thank a few people, and there are so many to thank so I may not get to everyone. Not to mention I'm only about, what, 1/4 of the way into this mess, so there will be many more to thank along my journey - this is the 1st round.

**I want to thank my sister for loving me, no matter what!! I know my cancer "did not come at a good time for her :) " but I want her to know how happy and proud I am that she was able to finish, and not just finish - but kick ass in - nursing school and to parent her 5yr. son, Freddy, and to see her husband, Heath, off to Iraq all the while having me and cancer and our mother on her mind. She is also the one who pushed me - while I fought back - about getting 2nd opinions and seeking out the best doctors and I am soooo happy I did. I can't wait to see you tonight!! Thank you, Jennifer! I love you!!

** I want to thank my surrogate mom, Judy, for flying in the night before my first surgery and being here ever since. She has been an undemanding guest, sleeping in what ever conditions there have been. And she has been such a wonderful care giver, stepping lightly, always concerned about my well-being. She has had to drive my nasty van around an unfamiliar town to get me to my dr. appts. (I'm not allowed to drive), she has had to deal with the dogs (enough said), she has played secretary to all the calls and gracious host to all the visitors. She has also had to impersonate a florist and a nurse. But the biggest, most important role she has taken on is that of being my mom, and I have really needed that. So, thank you, Judy! I love you!

** I want to thank my husband, Arthur, who has been very wonderful and caring. His gentle spirit has been so clearly evident to me, and I have so appreciated seeing it. We have spent more time talking then we have in a while and that's been nice. We have our own unique way we roll, and I know it may appear odd to some, OK - to most of you, but it's working for us better than ever. Thank you, Honey! I love you!

** I want to thank my Posse, and they know who they are. Coming to doctors' appts., showing up at 5am for surgeries, waiting around the hospital for hours, hanging out in my cave, rubbing my back, I could go on and on. Please know how much you are appreciated. I have said this for years, but now I REALLY mean it, I don't know how women get through life without girlfriends!! I love you girls so much!! Thank you for being my friends!

**I want to thank my school posse, as well! The funny stories, the gossip, the calls, the cards, the Krispy Kreme doughnuts have all had curative powers I am sure!! It's because of you I can wake up relatively cheerful knowing the library is at least running and that kids will be able to get books pretty quickly. Thank you!! I love you!!

**I want to thank all my friends and family who have had breast cancer. There is a diverse group of you ranging in age from 43 to 64 with years of being cancer free from 2 to 19 years. Your insight and support have made all this bearable and I thank you. I am so sorry that you all had to go through this, and please know that your experiences and your sharing with me have helped me in my journey. I pledge to do the same when I'm on the cancer-free side!! So, thank you, thank you, thank you!! I love you all!

**I want to thank everyone who has brought us dinner! It has been more helpful than you know, and to be honest, more helpful than I thought it would be. The mental energy of just deciding what to have for dinner is too much for me right now. So this has been great. I actually get out of bed, go downstairs, and we all enjoy dinner together. So thank you!! Everything has been so yummy! The person who set up acct. on the website www.takethemameal.com ( password is "boob" ) just extended the days, then depending on what happens Thursday at the dr. appt. she'll adjust again.

**Finally, as I have mentioned before, all of the calls, cards, comments, emails, messages, texts, prayers, positive vibes, good energy that is being sent my way - I feel every bit if it!! Thank you so much to all of you for keeping Skylar and Emma, Arthur, the dogs and me in your thoughts and for loving us!

Some funny stories

Today I have been sad (I wanted to be at work so much - I'm missing everything about school right now) and crabby (I can't pinpoint exactly why - but I have been pretty grumpy) so I thought I would lift my own spirits by rehashing a couple of funny stories from the hospital.

OK, so Thursday night I am shaving, etc to prep for my short hospital stay. I notice one of the teeny, tiny tubes from my medicine ball has come loose from my breast. As I am following it along it's route to the ball, I notice the 2 bigger tubes are clamped shut. I'm thinking "what the hell?" So I recheck everything including the weight of the ball which does not seem to have changed since day one. Then I think about the fact that I never saw anyone do anything to it or show me anything about it. So, I go to sleep, wake at the lovely hour of 4 a.m. feeling pretty relaxed about the surgery and unbelieving about the medicine ball! So as we head to the hospital, Arthur, Judy, and I are talking it out and laughing -"there's no way it could have been clamped the whole time" - or "maybe I'm part of a study regarding the effectiveness of placebos" - or "maybe the power of suggestion is stronger than real pain" - or "we want that med. ball taken off our bill" - etc. etc. I mean the entire 8 days, I maybe took 4 percocet because I was in so little pain!! I went on and on about how great the medicine ball was, "I felt no pain" "this thing is great" "isn't this amazing?" just on and on!! What a dumbass I am?!! :)

Anyway, the pre-op nurse confirmed that it was indeed clamped shut! And since I didn't do anything to it, I must have come home from the hospital with it clamped shut!!

Now, some of you may have noticed it and harassed me endlessly, some of you may have noticed it and pointed to it politely, some of you may have noticed it but decided for the sake of decorum you would not mention it, and finally, some of you really may not have noticed the tiny flap of skin hanging just inside my right nostril for the last 9 months or so. This tiny flap of skin, for lack of a better word, looked like a small booger. It drove me crazy, but the one and only time I tried to do anything about it, I used nail clippers and it hurt like the dickens not to mention it bled like a stuck pig!! Anyway, a couple of close girlfriends asked me to ask my plastic surgeon, Dr. Lee, if, while I was under if he would cauterize that thing right off!! So as my family and friends stood by, I proceeded to ask him while they all cracked up laughing! But as he got a close up look at it, he said "sure!" He came back later with his sharpies for what he called "mapquest time" and drew all over my empty little breast balloons, my chest, my underarms, then, to my embarrassment, he used a light blue sharpie on my cheek and drew an arrow to my nose and wrote "yes" to help him remember! The nurse was cracking up when she came back! But, by god, it's gone!! No more fake booger in my nose, so if I catch you sneaking a peek, I'll understand! ;)

I wasn't able to write too much when I got home from surgery, as I was totally exhausted. But I want to say, again, how wonderful the entire staff was thoughout my surgical experience on Friday. Truly, I was relaxed and at ease, I was able to talk and ask a lot of questions (difficult to imagine, right??) in pre-op and in recovery. Until then all was great, but as they moved me to the area from where I was to be discharged, the tech was somewhat insensitive to me and the condition I was in. She was polite and all, but really just clueless about how I felt. I was in a lot of pain and was very "cloudy." Like she walked way too fast, my legs were so shakey. Then after a very quick rundown of what they had to drink, (I was processing too slowly but picked ginger ale)she brought it to me, but proceeded to put it on a table out of my reach. I was just feeling whimpy and like I wasn't capable of completing the tasks she wanted me to do. Finally, I asked her to get Arthur. When he, Judy, and Chris came back there I was crying and crying! I must have looked pitiful - that is certainly how I felt!!

Close up pictures of my newly cleaned nose to be sent via email cheered me right up, but I was in a tremendous amount of pain. If only I had my fake medicine ball!!

Surgery update

I am home, and all is well. Surgery went well, took about 2 1/2 hours. A few more lymph nodes, not all, were taken out on the right side. Then Dr. Lee put in "expanders" under the muscles in my breasts (aka my pectoral muscles). These are to hold the space in my breast cavities, for lack of a better word, until reconstruction.

Once out of surgery, I was in recovery for an hour and a half, then I was moved to prepare to be released, then I was home by 1:00. I was, and still am, in pain. I'm able to get around somewhat, but the pain in my chest and underarms makes it difficult/impossible to lift, push, pull, or be pulled with or by my arms. So I went right to bed for the afternoon. I made it down to dinner and have been up ever since!

My spirits are up, I feel chipper, and I so completely believe I made the right decision by having this surgery today. My post-op will be with Dr. Lee next Thursday morning, which will be after he will have met with all my other doctors and gone over the pathology report. So I won't really know anything about my next steps until after Thursday's appt. So after I find out, you'll be the 1st to know! I will be posting some this weekend about a few funny stories from the hospital today, I'm just too tired right now.

A final note, my sister, Jennifer, finished her last classes of Nursing School at Seattle University today!! She graduates tomorrow with her B.S.N., (Bachelor of Science in Nursing) which is her 2nd bachelor's (her 1st is in social work in 1991 from FSU). After 2 long years of working incredibly hard, she has done it!! I have no doubt she will make an outstanding nurse, and I am really, really proud of her, and really, really happy for her!!

Complications...

A good friend told me, at the beginning of this craziness, that this cancer journey would be a roller coaster - a series of ups and downs. I, apparently, thought I was on a nice flat highway toward being cancer-free with new boobs and a flat stomach.

Well, I really am on that roller coaster, and I am not happy about it one damn bit!!!!

My surgery tomorrow will not be the DIEP reconstruction surgery, but a very short surgery where Dr. Smith will take out a few more lymph nodes (I know this sucks), and Dr. Lee will put in expanders (and yes, I know this sucks, too) to hold my breast shape.

What led to this was, ultimately, the pathology on that right side sentinel lymph node (which ended up actually being 7 nodes they took out). The micro-metastasis (very, very tiny bits of cancer cells) in a couple of those nodes is why the doctors are concerned. This morning, Thursday, Dr. Lee met with Dr. Smith, Dr. Bucholz (radiation guy) and Dr. Shah (my oncologist) and all of them have a a different idea about how to proceed with my case, yet none of them feels so strongly as to make a definitive recommendation. There are many factors, with which I will not bore you, but each of those factors are right on the edge between 2 different paths in which they could proceed - which makes for an unclear direction in which to go for everyone.

Now, for me, this was distressing because, as I mentioned, I wanted to be cancer free with new boobs, a flat tummy, be back at work, and go on living healthily for the 50 years and never look back. The neatness of getting it all taken care of right now completely overshadowed the big picture, which is the fact that I want to live that long life, I want to be alive for my daughters. Nothing else should matter, whatever it takes!! So I was able to step back, thanks to Dr. Lee, and look at that big picture. Right then and there I had an Oprah "a ha" moment, I knew that the messing up of the plan, was really the path I had to take. It was very clear to me. Dr. Smith called this afternoon to reiterate all that Dr. Lee had said, and we all came to a decision - we will take the most conservative route to beating the hell out of this cancer shit!! (OK - Dr. Smith is very mild mannered and he didn't say that, but I was thinking it). Hopefully, I'll be cancer-free forever, but if something does reoccur, I don't want to look back and think "I should have done this..."

So...I will have a few more lymph nodes taken out and have expanders put in tomorrow morning (we have to be at the hospital at 5:00a.m.!!). The surgery should only take 1 to 2 hours. I hope to be home by the late afternoon or evening. We will wait the 5 days for pathology. If the pathology is clear, then we will proceed with the reconstruction in the next couple of weeks. If it is not clear, the radiation oncologist will recommend radiation and we'll go from there. Obviously, I am hoping for option 1, so please keep that positive energy, good thoughts, prayers, and well wishes coming my way! I need it.

much love and peace,

monique

Feeling low

I had my post-op today with Dr. Smith - although I was able to stop at the doll house store on the way, which was a treat!

Dr. Smith asked me how was feeling, etc. Then shared that "some of the information we got back from the pathology report was not as good as we had hoped."

1. The tumor in my right breast - which according to ultra sounds, mammo, and all the other tests - was thought to be 3.5 cm. It was actually 5 cm. Now, he got it all out, got good margins (which means there is no sign of any cancer in the tissue/skin that was left), but when a tumor hits the 5 cm mark, it is of concern that maybe some of the cancer cells have moved (through the lymph system or through blood) - I'm pretty sure I'm explaining that correctly, but I'm very tired and I haven't read a whole lot more about it yet.

2. The pathology on my sentinel lymphnode went well during surgery, continued to go well under the microscope, continued to go well when it was chopped, diced and sliced, then when there was a contrast used a couple of miniscule spots showed up. The good news about that is that it was not enough to go in and remove any lymphnodes - which I was very happy about!! BUT... it MAY mean they will want me to have radiation for the next 4 to 6 weeks, which would then put off the DIEP reconstruction surgery until later in the fall. The rationale for having the radiation is that even though the tumor was removed and the tissue is clear, there might still be some cancer cells in the lymph fluid floating around in there.

So, what all this means is I won't know anything until tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning, after the radiation oncologist, Dr. Bucholz, looks at the report in detail and talks to Dr. Smith. Then they will all confer on the case Thursday morning, too.

I have so many more thoughts I want to get down, but I need some sleep.

much love,

monique

Quick post

Just wanted to let you all know how much you are appreciated! All of your kind words, positive energy, prayers, flowers, food, treats, visits, calls, harassments, messages, emails - THANK YOU!! It really does make a difference - I am encouraged every day by all of you.

I have my post-op tomorrow in the morning with Dr. Smith. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm trying not too get too anxious about this next step, but I have to be honest, it's freaking me out! I don't think it's going to be fun - we got a little info about it from my nurse during my last stay. I'll be on the same floor - surgical oncology - so she was sharing about my recovery after the DIEP surgery. Here's a good laugh for those of you that know me well - my room will have the temp. set at 80 for the 1st 24 hours!!!! I know, right???!! It's something about the heat and being flushed which causes the capillaries and vessels to flow very well. I'll give you more details about my surgery after my pre-op on Thursday.

much love,

monique

Yesterday was kinda rough, but today is grand

Yesterday morning, 36 hours post-op, I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck, which, then made me a little depressed. Then I looked at my chest, it didn't look near as beautiful as it had when I looked at it the day before. So I was feeling a little down. The pain meds were, and are, still directly connected to my little. empty breast balloons, so it wasn't that kind of pain. It was just the kind of achy pain where your body just kind of hurts. And my neck was sore. I realized, the pain med ball (that's the shape of it) is in a little bag around my neck, so I have since figured out a way to strap it to my waist - so my neck is much better today. I don't know about you, but when I feel achy I feel kind of down. Plus, it was a little tough to move around and I wasn't very hungry. And, don't you friggin' know, a cold sore was developing on my lip!! Not to mention, I began thinking of my 2nd surgery, which will make this look like a walk in the park! So I was most definitely feeling a little poopy yesterday. But I had a couple of visitors armed with flowers, candy, Abreva, and food so by the end of the afternoon and after a nap, I was feeling much better. I was hungry for dinner and even walked down stairs to see the crazy dogs and eat.

Today is a whole different story. Yes, the damn cold sore is still there, but I'm back to thinking my chest looks beautiful and ready for Dr. Lee's handiwork. My neck doesn't hurt, body is still a little achy but not major, and I feel like I can get around a lot better! So all in all I'm feeling really good. Mentally, I can't read A Farewell to Arms or anything right now, but watching a little HGTV and looking at the internet a little, gives me something to do in between naps, and I didn't even start doing any of that until 7 last night. The synapses are not all firing right now (OK - I hear the instant harassment - keep it to a minimum, I have cancer you know??!! :) )

I can't believe how much I slept yesterday and still slept pretty well last night and now I feel sleepy again! But I guess that's what the body needs.

All in all things looks pretty good. I'm still, of course, hoping for a good pathology report. Maybe I'll know something by my post-op appt. with Dr. Smith on Tuesday afternoon, so keep all the good stuff coming my way!

Happy rainy Sunday!

in peace,

monique

"The girls," aka my breasts, are gone!

Thought I'd do a quick update - I'm home from hospital, less 2 breasts. I'm feeling good.

The day before yesterday, I went into the hospital early for the lymphnode scans that would be used in the surgery. Then hung out for a long while until I was called back to pre-op around 1:00. This is the point when I really got teary and stressed out. Although, as I mentioned I would, I reassured myself that I would indeed wake up from surgery by asking everyone I saw that even resembled medical staff, I was still very stressed out. I wasn't allowed to have any family or friends with me at this point, so I was pretty sad. But as soon as I got my IV (which I HATE getting) I was given demerol, and wow did I relax! Then Arthur, Kyle and Judy all got to come back and give me a kiss. Skylar and Emma were too young to come back there at that point. I barely remember that part, and before I knew I was being woken up!!

I did wake up in pain, but before I could blink an eye, it was gone. Then all I wanted was Arthur. I was feeling very "mushy" and lovey and "wimpy" but seeing him cured all my ills!

Judy also came to give me and hug and a kiss. I was then taken up to my room on the 9th floor - the surgical oncology unit - followed by a trail of family and friends, like a circus train - Arthur, Skylar, Emma, Judy, Kyle, Zoe, and Rhissa. The nurses were cracking up!

I got moved to a nice, squishy, comfy bed with cotton sheets! And I was able to change out of my paper & velcro surgical gown into a comfy cotton gown. Everyone hung out with me for a little bit. I was so thirsty and hungry so a big jug of water and applesauce hit the spot. Seriously, that applesauce was so incredibly yummy you would have thought it was homemade the way I was carrying on about it! It was at this point that they told me Dr. Smith had visited them in the waiting room and told them there was no lymphnode involvement FANTASTIC news!! Now they will still do all the pathology on all the breast tissue and the 2 sentinel nodes he removed (1 from each side), but it looks really good!

WARNING: TMI just ahead - As for my chest I truly was expecting Frankenstein, but it's really not near that bad!! Dr. Smith did a skin-sparring procedure so that most of my breast skin is left, but it's kind of pushed off to each side and held with tape. The purpose of this is so when Dr. Lee reconstructs next week, all my own skin can be used. As for incision, I can't see it, but the little bandages are pretty small and were done in a circle shape around each nipple and that's it!! Unbelievable. Now I don't know it that will change for reconstruction, but the 2 surgeons consulted ahead of time, so hopefully this was the plan for both surgerys! Also off to each side is a turkey baster looking thing attached to my former breasts by a tube. That is the drain so that blood, lymph fluid, etc can drain out via the suction created in each "bulb." So those have to be emptied every few hours or so. There is also attached to each side the tiniest tube filled with some sort of local pain med/anesthetic that is being pumped directly to the former breast areas. It is awesome - I don't feel groggy or out of it.

So all my visitors last night were able to see all this if they wanted to. Skylar and Emma were like "ah, no thanks" but I think everyone else was interested. They could have been blowing sunshine, but they all said it looked pretty good. I think it looks great! Dr. Smith is a genius!

Everyone then said good night and I got more kisses and hugs! At this point I felt pretty sleepy physically, but I was pretty alert and my throat hurt from the tube they stuff down there during surgery. The nurse gave me percocet for my throat, but it really didn't help much, but it did put me to sleep. Everything else went well throughout the night. I had my "mix tape" (mini ipod) that Arthur made specially for me that was/is outstanding! He must really know me! Judy even had a Murphy in which to sleep. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning at 5:15 am!! I was even admiring all my soft saved breast skin and I was happy!

I'll continue to keep you updated - this coming week I'll have post-op with Dr. Smith and pre-op with Dr. Lee, then will be back in the hospital on Friday morning!

Thank you for all your prayers, good thoughts, positive energy that were sent my way! I am feeling strong and positive, and lots of that comes from all of you! So thank you, again!

in peace and love,

monique

The last night of my "before" life

I have 13 more minutes until I can't eat or drink anything! And for some reason I don't seem to be able to quench my thirst - maybe it's psychosomatic!

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good. All the details are worked out for tomorrow with regards to me getting to the hospital, the girls, Henri and Loli to the airport.

I have a scan of my lymphnodes at 7:00 am. Dr. Smith will use these films during surgery to pinpoint my sentinel lymphnodes and see if there is any other node "involvement."

My surgery is not until 2:30, so I'll just be hanging around for a while. The surgery should only last a couple of hours.

Thank you all so much for all your kind words, phone calls, messages and emails. I feel all that positive energy and prayers!

Much love and peace to you all!

monique

Down to 1 bra!

This is great, every time one of my bras gets dirty, I just throw it away!

OK, am I in denial? I just don't seem too freaked out yet??!! I had my pre-admission appointment today - going over my health questionnaires, blood tests, blood pressure, ekg, living will, etc, etc.

I do get a little squeamish about the idea of not waking up from the anesthesia - I asked the anesthesia nurse today and she said the chances were slim to none, the chances were less than crashing in an airplane - and I fly a lot, so I felt better. It's like, logically you know that it's true, but it's comforting - to me - to hear it from a professional! I swear, when I had both girls, I asked every medical professional who came in the room if I would be paralyzed from the epidural!! I guess this is like that, because rest assured that nurse today was not the last person I will ask about that!!

I spoke with a friend my exact age who was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago - (thanks Liz!!) - just as I was beginning to really think about being flat when I wake up Friday afternoon. She had some great things to say and her insight was very helpful. I thought of 2 questions I need to ask that, embarrassingly, I have yet ask or confirm with the doctors - where will the incisions be? and what are the implications of have a port (where will it be, day to day how will I live with it, will it leave a scar, why not get an IV every time for chemo)? So, I will put those down in my little journal I carry with me, so I can ask Dr. Smith on Thursday.

The stress of this cancer and my impending surgeries is most positively apparent in my inability to remember a damn thing!!! Honest to god, words, thoughts, ideas go missing within seconds!! I have moved beyond (for right now, at least) immediately thinking the cancer is in my brain when I forget my child's name, although I joke about it plenty!

I'm in a good place as far as school is concerned - thanks to so many people. I feel like I have done as much as I can do and delegated as much as I can ( or at least as much as I can remember) Now it's time to leave it be and be at peace with it!

OK, right now Arthur and I are sleeping in the double bed in our guest room (we are big people) with 2 of our 3 dogs. Skylar is on an air mattress at the end of the bed and Emma is trying to wriggle her way on to the bed in between Arthur and me. I actually spoke these words out loud "A double mastectomy and a night alone in the hospital looks good right now!!"

I am starting to get sad about Henri and Loli leaving on Thursday. I'm happy it's all on the same day as my surgery - I imagine I will be so distracted by my agonizing pain and the fact that I look like an 8 year old and that my former breasts will like Frankenstein that I won't feel sad and the house won't feel empty. I have been surprised by how attached I've gotten to my new family members! In the words of Henri, "It has been super great!" My heart is so full of love for them, and I will miss them so much! We have already started planning our trip to France, hopefully 2012!

OK, it's T minus 36 hours! Luckily I have a pretty easy/relaxing day planned for tomorrow.

in peace,

monique

Last hoo rah!

I spent the day at Epcot - my most favorite park - with Henri, Loli, their boys, and Skylar and Emma! What a wonderful day! We were there park-open to park-close (thank you, Kim!!) and it was a perfect day! Everyone is zonked out now, as I am about to be.

But I have to complain for a minute - I only had 8 oz. of coke today!! I have to be off caffeine completely and totally, including chocolate, by my second surgery - 8/13. That sucks!! The hell with worrying about the cancer, having no coke for the next 6 weeks is too much for me to wrap my brain around!! :) I'm trying to be weaned off it by this Thursday!!

Tomorrow I will do my hospital pre-admission which takes about 1 1/2 hours - no idea why so long, luckily I like to read so I'll have my book with me!

I'll write more tomorrow!

much love and peace,

monique